I Want More than He Gives

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Visitor's Question:
I am a senior, and have been with my boyfriend for a year. Last week we came across a big issue. I was tired of him treating his friends better than me, walking away from me. I was working like a dog to get some affection from him, and calling him every night to make sure how he is doing. I confronted him about it and he felt terrible that he was doing that to me. For one day he made the day about me, he would walk with me to class, eat with me at lunch, talk to me while we were riding on the bus, and show me more affection.

One day I just kept feeling so uncomfortable, because I knew that he was hiding something from me. I confronted him about it and I said that it still hurt how he treated me. I had a mental break down, when I started to breath really hard and fast. I couldn't control it, so I started to relax, and I fell asleep for a couple of moments. I felt his hands on my weak hand he was crying for me. He is the type of person who never cries for people. He didn't even cry when his grandmother died.

I woke up and he was saying whatever I say please promise me that you will always be in my life, I never want to lose you, I'm sorry. He said sorry so many times.

But this is when the worst part comes in. He said I have to tell you something, you have to listen, I don't want you to walk away from me after I say this. I was terrified, whenever I tried to pull away he held me tighter and tighter. He said that for a month and a half the times we kissed he didn't feel anything. That broke my heart, because I love kissing him and whenever I was done kissing him, I would feel confident and joyful knowing that I made him happy. But it all changed. Now after he told me that he said that he felt all better and I am trying to forgive him but it is hard because it brings me so much pain to have remembered him saying that.

He doesn't want to break-up with me, and I don't want to break-up with him. I love him. I just want to feel safe and I want him to get the point that now he needs to work for my love like I have always done for him, like a dog. I have been telling him so many times how I feel like I am a dog working for his love, like I feel like I am him and he is acting like his ex-girlfriend. I know it's mean. I don't anything to lead to that. Please help me I am begging you, I don't want to lose him, I want to be with him as long as I can, hopefully forever. Please help me.

Our Suggestion:
Every couple goes through time periods where they have waning interest. That is completely normal. You can't penalize someone for natural body responses. Yes, sometimes we are "hot" in love for each other - and then at times we simply aren't. The whole point of love is that you last through those highs and lows. For better and for worse. In sickness and in health. So absolutely you shouldn't hold it against him that he had one of those lower periods. If anything you should praise him for being honest with you about it.

There's no doubt that it'll happen to you too at some point. It happens to everyone.

In terms of affection, we all have naturally different levels we crave. That is also quite normal. On one hand you should get SOME affection of course - but on the other hand it's not healthy if you constantly demand more than he naturally is set up to give. We all have different levels we are comfortable with. So you need to learn to accept his levels and he has to accept your levels and you find a middle compromise. You can't force him to meet your level all the time. That's not healthy either. Your level isn't the "right" one and his is the "wrong" one. They are just different.

Hopefully you two can find a compromise. If not you might need to accept that what you need is someone who is higher intensity, and that that is an OK thing. You can't force a man to be something he's not. That's just not love.

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