I Cheated - I Want Her Back

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Visitor's Question:
Me and my girlfriend have been together almost two years. We both loved each other so much and had a lot of trust between us. I told myself that I would never cheat in my life...and i never wanted to. I had her trust in this area...and she never thought I would have cheated...we were a very happy couple.

I don't quite understand why I cheated...I have yet to figure that out...I had a past with the one girl i cheated on my girlfriend with...she was my first kiss...and the first girl i ever touched in a sexual way. This girl was jealous of me and my girlfriend's relationship and stayed that way for a long time. One day i asked her to meet me so we could talk about some things because i was having an argument with my girl. we ended up hooking up...and i cried to her before we went any further...and from then on i went back to her...a total of 4 or 5 times...in the next 5 months or so. Every time i went back to her i felt so guilty...and i couldnt figure out how to stop it...i felt addicted at some point...i do not like this girl at all...i merely used her for my pleasure...but i am not that type of person.

I then felt too much guilt and told my girlfriend. She obviously broke up with me...and we still love each other...but my question is...will She ever think about coming back to me? What we shared was true love...and i broke that...what should i do to at least fix things...i know space is part of it...but i just worry too much. do i have a chance?

Our Suggestion:
The main concern your girlfriend probably has is that she can't trust you not to do it again. You got lured away multiple times. It wasn't a one time thing. If you are willing to cheat multiple times, how can she know that going forward you won't do it again? Every time you have a fight or quarrel, she is going to worry that you are going to run off and cheat on her as a result. That's a very traumatic way to live a life.

The first thing to do is figure out why you were cheating. The only way you can promise her you won't do it again is to figure out why you did it before. What was it helping you feel that you didn't feel otherwise? Sometimes a minister or priest or counselor or someone else can help you with this. It's not always an easy question. But it's absolutely important to figure out.

Once you get a handle on that, you can have a handle on ways to help ensure it never happens again. That is what she wants to know. So then you can go to her, show her how seriously you've taken the issue, the progress you've made. And you can promise to work with her slowly over time to help prove yourself to her. She won't instantly believe you've changed. A damaged trust caused by repeated cheating is very hard to repair. But if you keep working on it daily, and proving to her you are changed, then over time she will come to believe in the new you.

Lisa

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