Husband Talked to Another Woman - I'm Jealous

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Visitor's Question:
I have a new sister in law that visited us twice. On the second visit, I walked into my husband and my sister in law talking about our dog. Three days ago my husband came to me about this issue and I was less than empathetic and supportive. He was basically asking her opinion about the surgery for the dog.

What bothered me about the whole incident is that the two of them were engrossed in the topic and no one bothered to say hi and totally just ignored my presence and my gut instinct told me that something is not right about this situation at all.

On top of that my sister in law stated that she will e-mail my husband what her orthopedic surgeon friend thinks - vet and orthopedic surgeon are not the same. I told her that is unnecessary because as a nursing lead nurse I know so many doctors with pets here and I will help my husband with the issue. To my surprise my husband then told me that I'm butting into the conversation. I was furious and told him that you are making her do unneccesary work - and that vet and orthopedic surgeon do not add up. My sister in law then started petting the dog as if to make sure that my husband know how important that dog is to him. My husband then ask me to pick up my oldest daughter as if trying to get rid of me to which I reply absolutely not and told him to do it which he did.

Then I confronted my sister in law and told her thanks for listening to my husband but it is not her job to do that and that is my job. The next morning they left and she forgot her sweater - my husband handed it to me to give to her. He obviously enjoyed the attention and listening ear that she gave him especially when I have been too busy with two jobs to pay attention to him.

Since then, I have confronted my husband and my brother about this unacceptable behavior and made some changes with improving my relationship with my husband. My husband has been very sorry about his behavior for that night and has learned to consider my feelings, I have made him a top only priority list and gave him and our marriage the attention it so needly deserves.

As for my brother, I have given him a warning about his wife - she is no longer allowed to come into my house and let him know that this behavior is totally unacceptable and will not be tolerated. He needs to also work on his marriage since he has been so busy at work to pay any attention to her. She recently move from the Philippines where she was a physician and to come her and be no job will be extremely lonely and frustrating.

I am putting my foot down and protecting my family from this type of behavior. I also did draw a line with my husband that this type of behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

Our Suggestion:
It is good that you realized that a root cause of the flirtation was issues in your current relationship. Men do not go out of their way to flirt with other women if they are generally content where they are. Not that this is an issue of blame at all. It is just that it's good to know what to work on in order to improve a situation you're not fond of.

That being said, it's also important to have balance in life. If you present yourself as being "insanely jealous" and the mere fact that your husband talks to another woman is going to set you over the edge, that's not healthy either. People do not work well in straightjackets. It drives them to do things more secretively and to feel unappreciated.

Yes, your husband talked with another woman about something he was curious about. She is, after all, in the medical field. So that's not an unusual thing. And yes, they got engrossed in the conversation. I'm not sure that's a stoning offense nor is it a ban-from-the-house offense. If you overreact to this too extremely, you are going to cause enormous rifts in many relationships and make life very difficult for yourself and others.

Think about what the real issue is here. You were jealous that your husband was spending time with someone else and not with you. It was something he cared about, that you didn't share his concern about. So he turned to someone else. He was only talking with her.

So it's very good that you both spend more time caring for and talking about important issues together. That is absolutely key.

But to ban her from the house for talking with him? And to treat him like the worst cheating slime that lived for talking with her? That is not going to lead to healthy results. Are you going to do this to every female he talks with?

There are many resources for dealing with jealousy, and I would take this as a wake-up call that it should be something you look into. It would be one thing if he was hugging or kissing her. But if they're just talking, you need to be able to handle the idea of your husband talking with another woman, for both your sakes.

Good luck!

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