She Won't Talk with Me

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Visitor's Question:
My girlfriend and i were together for 18 months. She broke up with me about a month ago saying she needed to want me not need me and that she wanted to be alone. After few days she told me that most of the reason why he broke up with me is that my mum held onto my ex for too long and that she never felt good enough for me. i always treated her like a princess even when stuff was bad.

She told me that she can't come back. when i asked her if she still loved me she said she didn't know. when i asked her if she was happy not being with me she didn't know.

i'll admit that we haven't really had a long period of no contact since the break up. every time we seem to talk about it she just pulls away. part of me knows she still loves me and maybe she just needs time to realize what she wants. but i cant seem to stop thinking about her. i was about to propose to her.

i miss her so much and want nothing more then to be with her. please help.

Our Suggestion:
If you were thinking about being together for eternity - and she was having serious doubts and issues - then that's not a good sign that you were communicating well. A married couple should be able to talk about anything at all, and share their thoughts and feelings. There are so many hurdles in life that couples face beyond their house walls - they need to be a solid team together.

So the main quest here is to figure out why communication was so poor and why even now it seems to be poor. She won't talk about important issues. Apparently she wouldn't talk about important issues before either. This is probably one the most urgent thing to address.

I would sit down with her and focus on what SHE wants out of life. Don't pressure her about the relationship. Don't argue about things that happened in the past. A key function of a relationship is that each person feels nurtured and supported in their dreams. So sit down with her and in a nurturing, non-judgmental, supportive way, ask her what her dreams are for ten years from now. What would she love to be doing. Where would she love to be living. Don't talk about the relationship. Don't stress her in any way. Just get her talking. Get her opening up about her hopes and dreams. And prove to her that you'll listen to all of that and support her in them, whatever she says. That seems to be the first critical step here - to get her trusting in her ability to talk with you and be safe.

Good luck!

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