He Wanted to Cheat and then Disrespected Me

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Visitor's Question:
My husband did some work at a womans house. She is a very flirtatious type, she has worked and supervised many men over the years. My husband felt like she was wanting to start a relationship, he said they talked about it but she does not date married men. He was calling her constantly and in the beginning she was calling him. This went on for 6 months about 3 months in she would block her number when she called. She did this for a couple of weeks and then stopped blocking.

I knew something was wrong because he would instigate fights here at home. I could here him talking to someone regularly but thought it was one of our daughters or his sister. I finally figured out who it was and asked who he is talking to all the time. He told me it was none of my business. I told him I know he is having an affair. He denied it, I pulled the cell phone records and he panicked. He said he never even kissed her but he became obsessed with her.

He is going through an impotency crisis, and I am wondering if that has something to do with it? I have talked to her she says he is her friend, he admits he really screwed up and wants to stay married to me but even after I told him I knew of his phonecalls to her and asked him to stop I noticed a few more calls to her. It wasnt until I pulled the records then he stopped. I truly believe when all this came out that he was totally obsessed with this woman and I wonder does a person ever get over an obsession.

I saw text messages that she sent to him about 4 months into this relationship and the text was reminding him that he is only her friend and she would not get in the middle of his relationship with his wife, she also said she invites him over because she enjoys his company.

My husband is a very secretive guy and I don't know what to believe. He says he loves me and is sorry and asks me to give him a chance but I am so confused. We have been together for 39 years, I feel that is a lot to throw away, but I also feel that him and her have destroyed the foundation that him and I built. Any advice

Our Suggestion:
Often it's easy to blame the "other woman" but in this case it sounds like that woman was trying to keep them at being friends. That he got wrapped up in the fun an excitement of flirting / dating and was enjoying a fun break from his normal life that had maybe gotten boring to him. It made him blind to all he was going to lose. He thought he could have his cake and eat it too.

It's one thing for him to be flirting and living in this escapist fantasy - but for him to start telling you that it's none of your business what he's doing crosses an entirely other line to me. How could it not be your business if you two are a partnership in life? To me it's bad enough that he was pursuing this woman. If she had given in it sounds like he would have slept with her. But it's yet another whole level of upsetting for him to then say you don't have any right to know what he is doing. It's not even a "I don't want to tell you." It's a "you don't deserve to know."

I know many people balk from counselling but I highly recommend it. He shouldn't be keeping secrets from you. Not you - not the person who is trusting your life in his hands. Your life and your family's life. He needs to treat you with respect and show you he's worthy of that trust.

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