The Seven Year Itch

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Visitor's Question:
I have been married for 7 years and have 2 children aged 3 and 5. Myself and my husband have not been as we should for the last 3 years mainly due to me losing the physical attraction to him. We plodded on as you do thinking that it is just a phase and that things will improve but they didn't and we separated as I feared that I may end up having an affair with a friend who I was very attracted to.

We have now been separated for 4 months now and I'm having a relationship with this friend. I have a thousand questions going on in my head 24 hours a day, like: Have I been hasty, could the attraction have returned at some point with my husband? I'm very confused and need advice!

Our Suggestion:
Have you ever heard of the Seven Year Itch in marriage? There's a reason it's called that! All relationships go through stages -

http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/howto/stages.asp

and around 7 years is when many couples think, "OK we're great friends and this is nice. But it's time for something new!" And they run off with someone else thinking it'll be better. But really, it's the exact same thing, just starting all over from the beginning again. Which means you just lost 7 years worth of memories, love, loyalty and caring.

Sure, the new guy was exciting. ALL new relationships are exciting. It's how nature tries to ensure that human kind has sex and makes more humans. But if that excitement lasted years and years we would burn out. So love settles down into a more mature slow-burning fire that sustains you. And part of vowing to marry forever is to last through the ups and downs that life sends your way - not to run off when something new shows up. Because if you're going to ditch for 'new and fun', you're never going to be satisfied. Because EVERYONE you're with becomes the 'old man' and EVERYONE runs into someone 'younger, more gorgeous, stronger' etc.

I would really give it one last shot with your husband, if the real issue was only that you guys weren't having passion any more. Passion doesn't keep you happy through the years. LOVE does, and real love is hard to find. Your kids need to learn that love is about staying by someone you care for - not abandoning them on a whim when something else seems interesting.

Talk with a therapist and really talk everything out between both of you. I have a lot of notes on my site about keeping the love alive and keeping that romantic connection together. It may be very well that you guys became "Mommy and daddy" instead of "guy and girl" after the kids were born. That's a very normal thing to happen. So you need to work to gain that romance back. That should be your first aim, rather than running off when things get boring.

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