He Admitted it when Forced To

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Visitor's Question:
I have been dating this boy for the last 4 months, it wasnt until this afternoon when his friends and I went to lunch that his friends said he did something wrong.

Once my boyfriend told me he loved me, and really screwed up also that he was sorry he told me about his Halloween party, and the other girl... He said 'One thing led to the other.. and I'm really sorry. I hope you can forgive me.' Although he promised me he would never hurt me or CHEAT on me. What do I do?

Our Suggestion:
First off, as you know honesty and trust are INCREDIBLY important in any relationship. It's not just about "feeling good" - it's about trusting someone with your well being, it's about sexually transmitted diseases, it's about all the really, really serious things that will always happen in the future that you have to know this partner is going to STAY BY YOUR SIDE through.

So in essence these little betrayals are "proving grounds" for a relationship. If your partner can't even face up to tell you that he "slipped up" with this girl - how can you trust him with really important things, when you guys have kids? If he couldn't even keep himself in control in a "casual party" circumstance, how can you trust him when he's in an office with a secretary every day? If he couldn't even TELL you that this happened until his friends forced him to, how can you trust him to be honest with you all the other times that he feels he can "just get away with it"??

I know many, many women who developed serious health problems because their boyfriends fooled around, gave them a STD and figured it was "easier" for them to lie than to be yelled at. Nice guys. If you take care of a STD early on, it can be fixed usually. If you wait a few years it can screw up your life SERIOUSLY. But these guys figured their little happy world was more important than their partner's health.

If a guy's going to make a choice like that, he's really not a guy you want to trust with anything serious - like your life or the life of your kids. It would be one thing if he was seduced into it, came home really upset and apologized to you. But he just did it "as a casual fling", lied to you and was going to KEEP lying to you until he was "outed" by his friends.

If you REALLY want to give it another try, you have to make it VERY VERY clear to him WHY his lying was so wrong and have him really understand that lying and cheating are not just "mistakes" they are serious destructions of any trust and any relationship. And then you have to trust him that he really understands!! If he doesn't, how are you even going to know? Because he's already proved that he's quite willing to put his own comfort ahead of honesty. So going forward all you'll know is you haven't caught him - not that he's actually respecting your health and emotions.

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