Wanting Him to Change

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Visitor's Question:
My ex and I dated off and on for 2 years, and things were bad everytime. The 2nd last time we got back together, he asked me to move in. There were many issues, and I never did that. A few weeks later, I learned I was pregnant. He didn't believe the child was his for along time, and eventually left 2 weeks before I was due, with his new girl friend.

16 months went by, but despite all he put me through, I never moved on. At that point, completly unexpectedly, we ran into eachother in another town. I had no idea he was even living there, and I was going to school there. We tryed dating again, because we thought it was fate. But I couldn't let past issues go.

Now, we are thinking about trying it again after another year has gone by. Despite all he's done to me, I love him, with all his faults, but I am so frustrated.

Am I living in a fantasy world, thinking he'll ever be what I need .. or should I hang on, because he's the only person I ever thought was the one? 1 month after I met him, I told my mom I was going to marry him someday .. and my heart is still telling me that. Do you think my heart is lying to me?

Our Suggestion:
You have been shown over and over again that despite your best efforts, things just weren't meant to work out between you two. But you insist on trying to squash his square peg into your round hole - to "MAKE it work" because it's what you want. Part of really loving someone is accepting that they need to be where they are happiest - and you need to be where you are happiest. You can LOVE him - but to force him to be with you when it makes you both unhappy doesn't make any sense. He is NOT going to change and miraculously be different! And for you to expect him to is unreasonable. Obviously you two can't get along the way he is now.

If you REALLY want to give this a try and give it a serious effort, talk to a therapist. The therapist might be able to get you guys talking about what the real issues are. But since you've already shown many times in the past that you can't do it without help, I really doubt this time around will be any different. You bring in mechanics to fix a broken car. You should at LEAST pay that much respect to your own life and, when things have been broken for this long, have a therapist help you figure out *why*.

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