He's dating her, he's chasing me

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Do you have some advice for this person?

Visitor's Question:
Even though this guy I know and like has a girlfriend, he is so honest and has never cheated on his girlfriend. I know someone who went to school with him. Do you think theres a chance we would ever get together even if his relationship with her was long term? And if we did, do you think that theres a chance he would just want me?

Our Suggestion:
You're trying to rationalize some way for this to work because you like him. But you can't rationalize away the way someone behaves in real life. He hasn't SLEPT with other girls while dating his girlfriend. But he has actively PURSUED other girls obviously because he is pursuing you! Maybe up until now no other girl has responded back to him which is why he hasn't cheated! Either he is dedicated to the person he is dating or he is not. That is very simple. And instead of talking to his girlfriend, handling the problems and dedicating himself to making it work, he is lying to her, keeping her around to not have to admit to her there are problems, and is chatting it up with you. That IS NOT right. Period.

If he did break up with his girlfriend, what has he proven. That he is incapable of dealing with real issues and talking about them with his girlfriend, that he runs to someone else for sympathy. So let's say you start dating him. Is he miraculously going to change? No. People don't change. They learn how to deal with issues in a certain way and that is what they do. So as soon as you guys have issues - which ALL relationships have - then he is going to find someone else to talk to about them. And he is going to seek sympathy for the sad situation he's in, and he won't talk to YOU because you are the person he's having issues with. And the exact same thing will happen. A new chickie will be talking to him, feeling sorry for him and wondering just how she can get her hooks into him and get rid of the current girlfriend.

So if you really want to be his friend and want him to grow up and be CAPABLE of being a real boyfriend to SOMEONE (whether it's you or someone else) then you need to tell him to *grow up* and handle the relationship he's in properly. Tell him to TELL his girlfriend he's unhappy and exactly WHY. A relationship is NOT a time to be shy and lie about things!! It is the MOST IMPORTANT time to be fully honest. If he can't be honest with her, and she's his girlfriend, then he is doomed in ANY relationship. She IS the person he should be honest with because she is the person he has a commitment with.

So he needs to sit down with her, talk with her honestly, and see if they can resolve the issues with 100% of his time and energy. If it doesn't work, they both tried fully and they both knew about it. If it does work, then he has finally learned how to handle a relationship. But if he keeps lying like he is now, he is just reinforcing that lying is OK, abandoning a relationship is OK and he is going to keep doing that to whoever is in his life.

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