A Guy with Roving Eyes

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Visitor's Question:
I had a baby 4 weeks ago. My mom kept my newborn and other two kids so I could go out with my husband. We dressed and went out to a place he goes to with his friends. We sat then a waitress comes up puts her back to me and walks a step too close to my husband and sticks her chest in his face and ask what he wants then turns and walks away not getting my order. Then the owner comes over and hugs/holds my husband. Then leaves.

We get our drinks and we were talking and my husband kept Gauking at other women that came into the club. He turns his back to me to watch band and when he turnsed around was lokking at the women again and I had to repeat my question. By this time I just wanted to go home and egnore him. Now I don't want to ever go anywhere with him again and find a new man that doesn't ignore me and gawk while on a date with me.

I told him it was rude and disrespectful to me and I was looking forward to spending time with "HIM" not every low cut woman in town. I will never forget our first date after our son was born and dread ever goiing out with my husband again. Should I dress slutty like the women he looks at or get rid of my gawker? He doesn't help with newborn but 4 hours aweek on and off.

Our Suggestion:
It sounds like that bar was one he went to a lot on his own and that when he was there, he fell into 'old patterns' and sort of forgot about you being there. It sounds like the waitress and owner and such treated him as 'one of the group' and were rude to you which is a REALLY bad way for anyone in the restaurant business to act. If anything, if your husband was such a great patron of theirs, they should have been all over themselves being nice to you and asking about the new baby and so on. So in general it sounds like a completely bad scene.

Definitely, when you go on a date, the primary interest of each person should be each other. If you guys were eating at a restaurant and a really pretty woman walked by, and he looked up at her for a moment or two, that's one thing. A woman would probably do the same thing if a gorgeous guy walked by. But to actively ignore you and actively seek out looking at other women is definitely rude. You should always feel like you're the main point of interest, not just a blob on a nearby seat.

And to top it off, you just had a baby, so you're going through the recovery for all of that. So even if he would normally act like this, on this particular night, he should have been extra supportive on your special night out.

It does sound like he's gotten very wrapped up in what makes him happy and isn't giving much thought to what makes you happy. A partnership is supposed to be about two people actively supporting each other. It sounds like he's fallen into the "she's my wife, so she's just there" mentality, that the relationship doesn't need any work or care. But all relationships, even marriages with multiple kids (or maybe *expecially* marriages with multiple kids!) need constant love and attention to succeed.

Some evening after the kids have gone to bed, sit down with him and talk. Explain that you aren't feeling the love and affection that you want from him, and that you want to work with him to find ways to solve it. Don't present it like "you don't love me enough! Fix it!" Present it like, "we're both busy and stressed, and we're not finding enough time to share our love for each other. How can we find more time for love and affection?" Brainstorm together. Maybe he thinks he already gives you enough and doens't realize you want more. But partners are supposed to be there to support each other, so as a partner, if you say you'd enjoy more affection from him, he should be thrilled that you enjoy his affection! Partners should want to spend time with each other, and the thought of more time together should be a pleasant thought. So hopefully together you can come up with ways that will make you both happy.

If he says "sorry I don't feel like working on this relationship any more" then that is a danger sign. Every relationship always needs work, and if someone says "I'm done working," they're saying they don't feel the relationship is worth an effort any more. If it gets to that point, it's time to bring in a priest or minister or therapist or someone to get through the block.

I'd also make sure I had built up my circle of friends. A partner is well and good, but you should always have friends too, to spend time with, to talk to, to be with. Be sure you have some friends around, and keep an eye out for ways to make more! If you rely solely on your partner to entertain you, it can be stressful. If you have a larger selection of people you can talk to and do things with, it can really help.

Good luck!

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