I've Become Very Jealous

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Visitor's Question:
My father laft my mum for his secretary many years ago. I always thought that i handled that situation quite well, but I am starting to think it might have caused some problems. I grew up, became a teenager and suffered a rape at the age of 14. At 18 I moved to Italy where I had a 7 year long relationship with no jealousy at all. I also know that there was no passionate love there either. We were good friends with very (once a year) occasional sex.

After that, I had a 3 year long relationship with another man where there was no communication or friendship but lots of sex. that didn't last. I decided to stay single for as long as possible to sort myself and my selfesteem out before meeting someone.

Nearly 2 years ago, I met a man who is 10 years younger than i and we are now living together. In all honesty, we do have some absolutely wonderful times. Then my jealousy kicks in. During my 7 years as a single woman, just before i met him, I had many occasional partners and one night stands. These men were married, sometimes with kids...but most of them in a relationship. It took me very little time to get these men back to mine. They seemed to have very little concerns about their partners.

My question is, why should my boyfirend be any different from all these men? Temptation seems so easy? Why is love treated with so little respect? Why am I constantly surrounded by bodysnatcher?! I know he loves me and I am very happy with what we've got. The issue seems to come up after a few drinks and then something silly happens. Just the other night, an ex coworker of mine, was wiggling her behind around him for some time and I made a joke of it. Then later I saw her holding his hand. they have only met twice and I see no reason for her to be so overly friendly with him. I lost it and was furious and stormed out of the bar. I feel that both of them made a fool out of me in front of everybody.

I am trying to avoid alcohol and I am trying to avoid these feelings but I cannot help to feel that everybody thinks flirting and unfaithfulness is "ok" whilst my stomach turns at the thought. My mind seems to start to project horrible images of my partner having sex with other woman. I often dream that he is leaving me for another woman. He has no serious ex girlfriends or anything so I am not so sure why this is happening. At the moment I am feeling terribly low and sad and would love to be able to try and fix myself. I do know that he is worth every effort as he is the kindest, sweetest man I have ever met. please help!

Our Suggestion:
In one sense it's good that you are getting jealous. To be jealous means that you care enough about someone to not want to lose it. Probably between the traumas of your youth - seeing your mom abandoned, seeing your own body taken advantage of, you developed a bit of distance in any relationship. So you weren't jealous. But now that you're in a situation where you are settled with yourself and want to think about something serious, it would be a risk to lose him, to lose what you've invested in him. So you're jealous.

It's unfair to judge all men against the ones you were seducing. You went after men who were good game for you. You went after men who would be interested in one night stands. Most men don't just abandon their wives and children like that. They value honor, honesty and trust more than a romp in bed.

Everybody does not think unfaithfulness is OK. People who think that tend to hang out together, just as people who value honor and trust tend to hang out together. So it sounds like you might want to change the circles you hang out in, to build up friendships with people who are serious about relationships.

Be happy that you've found someone worth fighting for, and build up your trust in each other. Realize that most people are NOT cheaters and just because that's what you were drawn to in the past does not mean all people are like that. Just like if you were a shoplifter, you might hang out with shoplifting types, but most people aren't interested in shoplifting at all.

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