A Mixed Up Situation

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Visitor's Question:
I have been mates with this guy for about 7/8 months now because we are in a band. He has a girlfriend and they are living together. We had a very good gig one night and went back to his for a after-party, i was flirting with this girl for a while and it got quite intimite, a few days later i found out that my mates girl got extremly annoyed with me, i didnt understand why so i let it pass, so the months went on and me and her hit it off always having a laugh and flirting alot (not intentionally because i didn't realise i was doing it) so it went on.

They had a house warming party and we all got quite drunk and she was trying to tell me something all night then her best mate told me she was mad about me, i liked her but i never thought anything of it because she was my mates girl.

A few days later my mate tryed to kiss her best friend so she kicked him out and were finished, he was heart-broken that he had done something so stupid. So i was comforting her and we got quite flirty and we kissed and things led on as you could imagine (we both got carried away and i knew i was doing wrong but by this time i felt as if i was in love with her and she had told me the same), so i was trying to see her as much as possible and try an keep it secret because i know my mate would never forgive me.

about a month had passed and he was still phoning her, coming up for her and just trying to sort it out. I was scared in case they got back together. Her mate asked her if she wanted to be back with him and she was saying "i dont know" (her mate didnt know the full extent of how far me and her went) so she took the (but stupid) initiative and phoned him telling him she wanted him back, she didnt want to "hurt" him by telling him that her mate had told him wrong so now they are back living together.

She keeps telling me she wants to be with me and she loves me and everytime she comes down to my home we end up kissing and cuddling. I know i should not have let it go to this point and i have been a bad friend. I love this girl and want to be with her and she tells me the same but i dont know what to do, i cant get her out of my head and it makes me go crazy when i see them together!. I need help quick.

Our Suggestion:
I know this is tough because you love her. But take a step and try to look at this situation objectively. She was IN a relationship already when she started chasing you. So it's not like she told her current boyfriend "sorry I don't want to date you any more", she was happily dating him AND also wanting to cheat with you on the side. Then she kicked him out and got involved with you. If she had WANTED to she could have dated you, or at least kept "sneaking around" with you and not gone to anybody else! You two could have kept doing that for a few months until her ex got over things, then went public and stayed together forever.

But that's not what happened. Instead SHE called HIM and said she wanted to go back to him. And she promptly kept lying to him, which is one of the worst possible things you can do in any relationship.

And to top it all off, she is STILL cheating on her guy with you - a guy that she deliberately went back to. It's not just that you've been a bad friend. It's that this girl is using both you and the other guy because she would rather have as much pleasure as she possibly could rather than make a decision. Life isn't about hurting others to get your pleasure. Life is about making choices and taking the responsibility to stand by them. She really hasn't learned that yet. So in the meantime she's hurting you and hurting her boyfriend - don't you think his life will be shattered when he finds out that not only is his true love betraying him - but that she's betraying him with his best friend? That's the sort of thing that damages your ability to trust for years, if not for a lifetime.

If SHE is not mature enough to make a stand here, YOU must be. She is using both of you as a way to avoid making a choice and is hurting both of you as a result. If you keep letting her do this you are enabling her and teaching her that it's quite fine to use guys like toys - and she'll just keep doing that with you and whoever else she comes across. And if she keeps feeling this is OK then even if she DID end up with you, she'd cheat on you with her ex, probably, or another guy that came along and paid attention to her. She feels it's safer to have a 'safety net guy' than to just be with one guy.

So tell her that you love her and respect her and that being a back-door-man isn't healthy for either of you. That part of being IN love is to stand up for that love, not to lie about it because it's "easy". That obviously she loves you because she is willing to betray another man to keep being with you, and that she needs to stand up for that love and take responsibility for it even though it's hard.

Life is not about easy choices. It's about doing what is right and what you can respect. If you guys are going to actually be together, you need to start now. The longer she keeps up this lying and cheating, the more it will become a normal part of what she is that will stay with her forever.

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