He Cheated, Now He's Lying

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Visitor's Question:
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about five months intimately. He seems a bit narcissistic, but claims he cares and that the reason is that this is one of his first relationships.

Two months ago, a couple of girls went to stay the night at his and his roommate's house. He got drunk and "passed out". Susbequently, I found one of the girl's phone numbers in a discrete notebook. She called later when I was with him and he got off the phone with her quickly claiming he was busy and would call her later.

I then discovered an email she had sent him claiming that she, "never thought [they] would talk again after that weekend, not that [she] didn't want to".

When I confronted him about it, he claimed that the weekend in question was merely an invitation to go see her which he turned down. Does this really seems likely or did he have a night of drunk sex?

Our Suggestion:
Wow, the next thing you know you're going to find this girl's underwear in his bedroom and he's going to claim she had to change into her swimsuit there before she went to a nearby swimming pool. He is really stringing out a series of really blatant lies here. Maybe he didn't actually sleep with her. Maybe they just kissed or something. But SOMETHING went on, he took her phone number. Guys who are in serious relationships shouldn't be going around gathering up phone numbers of other women. And then having those women call and being too embarassed to talk in front of your girlfriend. And then making up lies about email messages.

This guy sounds like trouble in every direction. It's bad enough he did whatever he did with this girl. If she had a sexual disease, you could have gotten it by now and could have serious health issues, because of his selfish pleasure-for-me attitude. And not only was it a one time fling, but now he's continuing it behind your back, trading phone calls and email messages. And worst of all, he is explicitly lying to you about it. This is supposedly the person you are most honest with in the world, who you can trust in all situations. Who you can trust with your life. And he can't even be honest about a drunken weekend that maybe got out of control.

I would call the girl, not angrily but just with curiosity in your tone, and say your boyfriend told you what was going on with her and him and you just wanted to verify the story. Get the truth out of her.

And then when you go and confront your boyfriend, I wouldn't even expect the truth from him. At this point I imagine he'd lie and say this girl made it up because she was jealous of you and wanted to drive you away. In either case I wouldn't put up with someone who lied and cheated that much, over that long a period of time. He's pretty much proven that his entire life is about getting pleasure he wants and then lying to cover his tracks. He's not just risking your emotions here - he's risking your health. You deserve a guy that really is 100% about you, and you alone. Not someone that picks up stray girls, writes down their phone numbers, and then carries on a phone and email conversation with them. Never mind anything else.

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