I Drove Her Away - Now I Want Her Back

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Visitor's Question:
Ok ive been with this girl off and on for 5 years but i have known her for like almost 10 years the winter in 2002 we kicked it off and was about to get married and all that well we got into some trouble and we split up for like 2 weeks and then we got back together then i found out that she cheated on me but she says it was payback cause i cheated on her back in the day and i only did that to see how much i loved her.

well we just had a son. a month ago i told her i needed some time to think about some stuff to wait and she said she will and she called all the time asking me have i made up my mind and i said no. well over the past weekend i was going to say yes but she made me mad and i said no.

now she found a new guy and i begged her back last night she said she can't cause she dont want to get hurt again by me and it hurts her so bad to say no but she just cant leave him cause she dont know if it will work with him or not but she want to try. well she cries when i talk to her cause she say it hurts her so bad and on.

well i asked her has she slept with him she said no if she needs some she will come back to me and get some. will we get back together in time or what should/can i do?

Our Suggestion:
It sounds like it might be really helpful if you talked to a therapist to get your life in order, so that you had a chance of working things out with her if she actually became free again. First off, you cheated on her to see if you really loved her? That's not how you find out if you love someone - it is how you completely destroy the trust / honesty foundation of the relationship. It probably damaged her ability to every trust you again after that. How could she ever know if you were just going to run off and sleep around again because you felt unsure again? What if you had picked up a deadly sexual disease from this other person and then gave it to her?

Then you say that you guys broke up and she slept with someone else, and that was cheating. If you guys broke up, she was NOT cheating. That's the whole point of breaking up - that you can now see other people.

You then deserted her and her newborn child because you wanted to think about things. Really, the time to think about things was BEFORE you were having intercourse and therefore risking a pregnancy. Or maybe it would even be while she was pregnant, when you decided to stay with her or not. But once she has that child there are a THOUSAND things to do to raise it and she needs a mature, reliable person by her side. The child deserves a mother and father. But instead you chose that opportunity to run off and leave her to raise the child on her own. And then you kept stringing her along refusing to give her an answer. That in itself IS an answer - and the answer is that you're not ready, if you could keep putting her off like that.

It seems like the only reason you want her back now is that she had someone else. She needs someone she can rely on to be there by her side and care for the child. She gave you 1,001 chances and you kept refusing them. For you to cause trouble for her now, because she found someone else and that has made you jealous, is unfair. Really, talk with a therapist and get a handle on why you are having trouble with these decisions in life. You need to figure out what you really want before you can have someone else rely on what you say you want.

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