Spending Time with Friends

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Visitor's Question:
A situation has come up between me and my girlfriend. I thought something was wrong and i wanted to get to the bottom of it. So i called her and we started talking about the problem that she was dealing with. She said that she felt like i was contolling her.

In a way it was true. When ever she wants to hang out with her friends, i'll sometimes say that i'm not doing anything and that i can come if she wanted me to. Turns out she doesn't really like me doing this. She likes to hang out with her friends without me sometimes.

She also mentioned that she didn't want to get to attached, b/c she is afraid she will get hurt. I talked to her but all i could really say was that i was going to make everything better. Everything she said i agreed to. B/c I want to live my life too with out my g/f all the time, but i still want to be with her. I just want to be alone with my friends to, like she does.

But i have no idea on how to start making things better. Can you help me out?

Our Suggestion:
First, it's really great that you took the step to talk with her about what might be wrong! I do have to say that those talks are ALWAYS better to have in person rather than over a phone. You can misread a lot of important words and feelings if you do it over the phone. But at least you did start the discussion and get to realize there were issues.

It is really, really important that people have friends and hobbies outside of the main relationship. You both need to be real, independent people who then share your happy worlds with each other. She needs her time alone with her friends to just hang out. You need time with your own friends, too.

As far as her not trusting you, that is actually the more serious of the issues you brought up. The most important thing in any relationship is trust. She needs to trust you fully and completely. Yes, someone might have hurt her in the past. Heck, we've all been hurt at some point in our lives. But the point of a relationship is that you get past that and you really trust the person you are with. That is something she is going to have to learn to do.

So sit down with her in person and ask her, what can you do to help her build that trust. And is she willing to really take that step and trust you. If she's going to keep walls build, she is actively harming the relationship. She has to learn to fully and completely trust you. And only SHE can do that, because those are her walls she has built.

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