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Visitor's Question:
I have a problem that is really bothering me. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two and a half years. I knew my boyfriend had an ex that was his first love, and he talked about her in the beginning of our relationship, then forgot about her for a while.

This past summer, we were getting ready to go out for the day. We were ready to leave when the doorbell rang. It was his ex. He invited her in and we all chatted for about 45 minutes. I did NOT let them out of my sight, as I tend to get a little jealous. She had come by to say goodbye to him because she was leaving for school. This really bothered me, but I kept quiet.

Then, she started calling maybe once or twice a month. But I let it go, because she was hours away, and I didn't feel threatened. But then a couple weeks ago, she called when I was home, and my boyfriend wasn't. I picked up, and I said he wasn't home. I was very upset, as I am getting very sick of her trying to keep contact with him. I looked at his phone bill from last month, and her number was on it almost every day, a few times a day, at times when I was at either work or school.

I confronted my boyfriend about it, and he denied talking to her all those times, and he said he only talked to her once. But I know that he made calls to her too. He says he doesn't have any feelings for her anymore, but if he doesn't, why does he not tell her to stop calling because it bothers me? She even made a mix CD of their old songs and put it in his mail box just last week before she went back to school. He broke it and threw it out, but that's not enough assurance, because he still talks to her and lies about it! I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but I can't take this anymore. It's either me or her. Is it right for me to feel this way?

Our Suggestion:
On one hand, it's very healthy to be friends with your ex and to have friends that are boys and girls. It's not bad that he's talking to her. On the other hand it is VERY bad that he's lying to you. Really it doesn't matter what he is talking to her about. The fact that he is hiding things and lying to you means that you can't trust him no matter what he says. How can you know he isn't getting presents from her, seeing her, or anything else? He's shown he's capable of lying to hide his own true intentions. If he'll do that about talking, he'll certainly do it for "anything worse". It's time to insist on honesty. Surely he understands why honesty is critical in a relationship? Would he want you lying to him about things you were doing?

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