I Hit His Ex, He Left

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Visitor's Question:
About 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend asked me for some space to get his life straight. We are not broken up, just space. Things moved really fast when we got together and I put my foot down about some things that he does that I don't agree with. He says that I never tell him the things that he does right and am always negative. When I met him he just broke up with his girlfriend for a month. The relationship lasted a year and a half(off and on) and he has had trouble telling her that we were together because she was sucidal. He continued to remain friends with her for that reason and I had no problem with that because she has no friends around here.

Well, I got off of work early one night and found his ex at his house. I didn't know that she was there to meet other people and flew off the handle and hit her. I now have charges pressed against me and a whole bunch of other stuff going on. He now feels like he can't trust me. He thinks that he has seen my true colors and that is not the case. He doesn't know that the ex told me that she was there to be with him. It is just a big series of misunderstandings and he doesn't want to listen to me because he said that he heard it all before.

The mother of his child tried to kill him twice and he doesn't want to go through all of that again. He is scared. I know that he loves me and misses me because he has told me, but feels that he can't handle this right now. He is not sticking up for the ex or for me. The ex is moving away in 2 weeks, so I think that the charges will be dropped and he said he would make sure of that. Is there a chance for us, or am I just holding on for no reason? I love him and don't want to be with anyone else. He says that I have pressured him and that I am too pushy. Please give me some answers.

Our Suggestion:
A relationship really needs to be about mutual respect and understanding. It should never be about one person trying to change the other person. So for you to get together quickly with him and then immediately "put your foot down" is a really bad sign. He feels that you are very harsh in telling him his lifestyle is inappropriate.

So now you have lashed out and hit his girlfriend. You are trying to justify why you did it. But really, every guy who has ever hit his girlfriend has thought up reasons why. It doesn't mean they were right to hit their girlfriends. Lots of girls are jealous of their exs, and lots of exs are nasty. It doesn't mean you go around hitting people. So at this point your ex sees that you are violent and have excuses when you turn violent. He also knows that you try to change his way of life, repeatedly. This is giving him pause.

You really need to work on the friendship with this guy, and stop trying to control him. You also need to work on your anger management. Violence is never an answer. If you're upset, that's fine. But to hit someone? What happens when your kids act up? Will you just swat them rather than try to deal with it maturely?

I highly suggest you start at the beginning, as friends. You start by respecting him, learning how to talk to him, showing him you respect him. If you really and truly can't be with him without making him change, then it's time to seek a new boyfriend. Your guy deserves to have a woman that loves him the way he is.

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