She Left Me and Found Someone Else

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Visitor's Question:
Me and my girlfriend of three years had an awesome relationship. It wasn't the best thing in the world, and we had our fair share of bickering, but one of our biggest problems was that I cheated on her. A lot. She found out about a few of them, and I was able to snake my through them, but about three months ago, she found out about a girl that I cheated on her with last summer. I ended up telling her about it, and everything was OK for a few days.

At this point, I had been faithful for months, without any problems. It's just that in the begining of the relationship, and through the long distance parts of it, I was lonley and confused about what I wanted. Then, after I told her about this other girl, I started thinking about what I really wanted in a relationship, and why I was happy with my girl. It took some time, but I sat and looked at her one day and I realized that "this is the girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with...I can't keep lying to her." So I sat her down, and I told her everything. I confessed my lies, and told her why I came to my decision to tell her.

She broke up with me. This was around Christmas time, and while she was home for Christmas, she kissed another guy. She came back to our house and told me that she wanted to see other people. I agreed, but I didn't see other people. I constantly tried to work things out between us...to get her to deal with her pain instead of pushing things aside. Then she comes and tells me that she is seeing someone else, who just happens to be the guy she kissed while home for Christmas. She was a virgin before we got together and now she has seen him 4 times and she's already slept with him.

I am on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist about this. I don't want to hurt her ever again, but I also don't want to give up the love and memories that we shared. She doesn't want to try to love me. She's shutting me out of her heart and replacing me with a guy that she barely knows. I've showed her the website here and what you have to to say about rebounds, but she wont stop. It's hurts so badly to hear her say some of the things she says to me.

I know I messed up. I know it's my fault. I know that this can work. I just don't know how to show her all of this. I mean, I wanted to marry this girl. I learned my lesson long before I told her that I cheated on her. I told her because I was in love with her, and I wanted our relationship to be honest, and it bothered me that I wasn't honest. I came clean, and did the right thing. Why doesn't she want to try? How do I show her that I've learned from my mistakes and I want this to work? How do I get her to leave this other guy alone so she can focus on what she feels for me instead of running from it? Please help.

Our Suggestion:
The most important thing to be in any relationship is completely honest. You based your entire relationship on lies and fighting - but you still say it was "awesome". Surely it wasn't awesome at all for her! She sat there suffering with all the fighting, and then she finds out that it wasn't worth it at all. Not only was the relationship itself full of strife, but you were not even respecting her when you were away from her.

I understand that you now have changed your point of view - but it's a bit drastic to assume she has. You can't go with the assumption that she is running from her love. It might have been that she was miserable with the fighting and that the cheating revelation was simply the last straw. Perhaps she is actually happy right now, and that it's not an "escape mechanism" or rebound at all.

I'm trying to be clear here. You can't build up another set of lies here because that will never work. You have to learn to be honest. Instead of having a fantasy of her being full of love that she's denying it is far saner to start with a more realistic view of things. Let's assume she is happy with her new boyfriend. Let's assume she is really badly hurt by your continuous lying and cheating! The only thing you should be focussing on right now is becoming a FRIEND with her again, never mind the love of her life. You have to rebuild the trust from the beginning and show her you are capable of being honest. You have to walk before you run.

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