She Doesn't Like my Friends

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Visitor's Question:
I am 40 years old and recently got married for the 1st time last March. From the very beginning of the relationship my wife has acted very strange/distant amongst my friends and their wives. She seems to go through the motions at parties and there's no genuine desire on her part to get to know my friends better. (And it's very obvious to them).

I almost feel that she needs to keep them at an arms length distance because she is insecure and in her mind my closeness to my friends threatens her. While I had some doubts before the marriage, I disgarded them thinking that I was simply getting "cold feet" and that this friend thing would eventually work it's way out.

I feel very lonely at times in this marriage because I cannot understand the "wall" she has set up against a big part of my life. (When you're a single guy for 40 years your friends often become the focal point of your life). While she does give me the freedom to spend times with my friends, she has no desire to join me. One on one we have an excellent relationship. But it saddens me that my friends have never gotten to see the side of her that I love so much. It's also humiliating/embarrassing for me to always go out with my friends solo.

I find myself lying to my friends to defend her absence. I have discussed this issue with her in the past but her efforts appear forced and it's obvious that she's just not comfortable. We appear very unnatural in public and it's breaking my heart. I'm afraid I may have made a major mistake and I feel very empty inside. What should I do?

Our Suggestion:
First off, it's important to realize that some people just aren't social. It's not a bad or good thing. It's just the way people are. There are a ton of times I go out with my friends and my boyfriend stays at home. I don't have to make excuses for him. Who says that a couple must do everything together 100% of the time? I do what I enjoy, he does what he enjoys. That's how life works out best.

Are you positive that it's your friends in particular that she is distancing herself from, and not all people? If she's just not a social person, trying to force her to be to suit your needs is really a bad idea. Go out and have fun with your friends. Have fun with her alone. That's not a bad situation at all.

But let's assume that she's really social with her friends, that she's social with joint friends you have made and that she ONLY gets uncomfortable with your old friends. If that's the case, then certainly it could be that she feels they are a reason to be jealous. Think of it in this way. Imagine that she'd been in love with someone for the past 30 years and that you came along and married her. Then imagine she goes out and sees this guy every week and is super happy with him. She invites you go to along with her. Maybe you would feel uncomfortable in this situation? If that is the situation, give her time. She should feel more comfortable once she feels more a part of your normal day to day life.

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