We got Busy, She found Someone Else

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Visitor's Question:
25 y/o male confused about gf's actions in past month. 3 1/2 year relationship, everything great, I just bought a home and remodeled it in anticipation of us moving in together, between remodeling and heavy workload, I had no time since october. With the combination of her having no job for the past 2-3 months, working one day a week if that. She has a lot of time, I don't, she can think about the faults in our relationship, I had trust and faith.

Well long story short, she thought so much, and timing of other things, her single friends, my working like a $&*^%*& on a home for us, has led to her wandering and she somehow found a liking in another guy in some areas, she claims I have not given her. I just can't understand how the bigger picture of our relationship and love for each other, having an apartment in the horizon, was not good enough for her to be patient and wait for things to finish and for her to get a real damn, full time job, so she wouldn't have all this time on her hands.

Well she talked to the guy behind my back and finally came clean cause I have been so persistent on things going on, she has said she stopped talking to him, told him to stop calling her, and that she knows she screwed up and hurt me and wants to work things out. But she brings up stuff about him, and I don't want to hear it, it kills me, she wonders what hes up to now that she hasn't talked to him. They talked for less than a week, and I always felt threatened by him, he's a player and she doesn't realize it.

I'm about to give up, but I love her so damn much, I somehow want to find a way to get her to fully look my direction, give it once last shot before I give up. She's gonna learn the hard way if she chooses that route, but I won't ever go back to her if she does, it would hurt too badly.

What should I do? What should I say to help her look back at our relationship and realize he's a player, because he truly is? But most importantly whats the best steps to make sure I don't get hurt again, while giving it my last best shot? Thanks

Our Suggestion:
I'm sort of concerned about the way you're viewing this situation. You're looking at this as if you've been slaving "for the relationship" and she's been running off with the gypsies. But all she did was talk to another guy for a week, and find she liked him. She liked being paid attention to. And one of THE most important things in any relationship is that the two people pay attention to each other, make time for each other and support each other. Instead of seeing this as a warning sign, you got angry at her and told her to shape up.

You say you had trust and faith. But relationships are built on communication and interaction. Let's say you trusted and had faith in a girl in Australia, but didn't bother to talk to her in 2 years because you were 'too busy for her'. Don't you think she might be justified in settling down and marrying a guy that was there for her, and raising a family with him? If she just waited around for you for years and years, she would be missing out on all that time that she could be raising her children. What if you never came back to her? Now who would be the foolish one?

A relationship should NEVER suffer because there's too much time to think. A relationship suffers if there is NOT time to think. If you rush into a relationship because 'it seemed convenient' it's pretty much doomed to failure. And if a relationship falls apart because you had a chance to sit down and realize how bad it was, it certainly wasn't much of a relationship to start with! Again, you are seeing symptoms of a big problem and you are yelling at her for feeling those symptoms. That's like yelling at a sick child for sneezing.

Why are you remodeling the house without her? Isn't this going to be her house too? Or is this only your house that you're going to deign to let her live inside? Why are you putting the house *above* her? Yes, a house is nice. But millions of people live quite happily without houses. They have each other. You are neglecting this girl because your focus is elsewhere. When you get the house, how can she know you will "get better"? The only way you can judge a person is by the way they behave. People don't change. If you neglect her all this time because "oh the house is more important", then once you move in maybe it'll be a job that's more important. Or house projects or something else. You have the ability right now, this very moment, to make HER the most important part of your life. Which she should be. She certainly isn't feeling that at all.

If you really want to save things, I would suggest going to a therapist even for a short while. The gap between what you think is good for a relationship and what she thinks is is rather large. If you're going to treat her as someone who shouldn't have time to think and who shouldn't talk to other males, this relationship is in for some rough, rocky roads.

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