He Got Stressed - He Asked for a Break

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Visitor's Question:
i'm completely heartbroken!! my ex and i dated for 2 years. we were together almost everyday. both of us still talk about our first kiss and how good it felt. i knew from that kiss on that our relationship would be special. we instantly connected to each other, we were best friends. i could say or do anything with him. we were both instantly comfortable with each other. well for the first 5 months we didn't really fight, then we started to have spats here and there, sometimes they would turn into bad fights, but i never had to worry about him leaving me, we could get through anything. everything was fine the first year and a half. then i developed an illness that left me pretty much housebound. i knew he didn't like this because i wasn't there with him for anything, but he would still come to my house to see me. he was the best thing to ever happen to me and i fell deeply in love with him. we were never bored or very irritated by each other. it was like the perfect relationship, except for my illness, and i hated that it was getting in the way. he told me he loves me very much, but everytime he looked at me he wanted to cry because of what i am going through.

we both loved each other and we're not getting any younger so i suggested we move in together. he didn't want to he said he wants to stay at his parents for a while longer and with me not working we couldn't afford it. i kept pushing the subject and dropped hints that i was ready for a commitment (if i weren't a woman i would have asked him to marry me, but i think that is the guys job). i think that it scared him to make a commitment. he just said that he wanted to live life while he was young and he's not ready.

his grandma, who he is very close with, had a heart attack and is in a hospital bed slowly dying, he went to see her one night and she didn't know who he was. this hurt him very badly. he's not emotional and doesn't like to share his feelings. it's very hard to get him to open up to me or anyone. after this he seemed to push everyone away and spent a lot of time sleeping. i'm very close with his family. his dad introduces me as his future daughter in law, his mom treats me like one of her own along with the rest of his family so i talked to them about how he's acting. i was so worried about him and still am.

then the night before Valentine's day he called me after he got home from his grandma's, he spends a lot of time with her now, and he was really upset. he told me that he didn't know what to do he never lost someone so close to him and the more i reassured him the worse he got. i just wanted to drive over to his house and hold him. he told me that with everything going on in his life (grandma's sick, i'm sick, brother was giving him a rough time, family lost their house, wasn't happy with job,me nagging about growing up) that he just wants a break from everyone. i told him he can't just push everyone away and he got upset and said that he can't look at me anymore it makes him to sad, he just wants a break.

i was devistated and through all that i had to set my emotions aside because i didn't want to upset him anymore. i tried to be a friend but i couldn't hold back my tears anymore. he called me everynight after that for a while, but every time i just balled and couldn't stop. he told me "stop crying i hate when you cry" and i tried to stop but couldn't so he would hang up on me. one of our friends was talking to him and he told her that he loves me to death but just can't take anything anymore. so i know he loves me and there isn't another woman.

i don't understand what is going on with him we haven't talked for 2 weeks now and i don't want to push him by calling him i just figure i'll give him time and let him deal with his grandma right now, but i love him so much it is killing me everyday. all of my fantasies about the future include him, even when i don't think about him he is just there. i was ready to tell him that i wanted to be with him forever and he broke up with me!!!!

i don't think i can let him go because i feel like i need closier and i want to know why he did this. is he scared of commitment? is he afraid of losing me to? i'm very confussed and i don't know how i can love him so much and how he can say he love's me, but he can still break up with me. i know he knows i'll be here and i don't want him to think that he can do this and then come back and i'll take him everytime. So i guess my question is what should i do? should i just go to him and tell him how i feel?

Our Suggestion:
OK there are several things here.

First off it is NOT a guy's "job" to take steps in a relationship. It is a mutual decision by a couple. Is it a guy's "job" to make more money than the woman? Is it the woman's "job" to stay home with the baby? Surely we are past these 12th century ideas. If you start saying "well he should do X and he should do Y because he has male gonads" you are setting your relationship up for failure. Either you're both full partners or you are not.

Next, you had your own ideas about how the relationship should go so your idea of being a fair partner was to keep pressuring him and pressuring him until he matched up. That is NOT being a fair partner. That is being selfish. Human beings are all different. If it is a healthy relationship then both of you want the same thing and do it together. If he's not ready, then he's not ready - he is NOT immature!! He is simply not ready! To say otherwise is to say that because child X reads at age 2 that child Y should also read at 2 because they "should". People all want different things at different ages. If you really want to move to stage Z in your relationship and he does not, and if your solution is to harass him until he gives in, then your relationship will not work.

I really suggest you guys talk to a therapist or that you go alone if he really won't talk to you right now. This is something to sort out before you completely drive him away.

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