He's Not Ready to Move In

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Visitor's Question:
my ex and i broke up about a month ago. we were together in a very close, serious relationship that i was sure would last forever. i still love him very much and i'm told he says he still loves me. we haven't talked or seen each other in 2 weeks. i believe the reason he broke up with me is because i started talking about moving in together and how great it would be to spend our lives together. i'm the only women he's ever had a serious relationship with and the only woman he has ever slept with and i think he was scared of the commitment with out nowing what else is out there although he told me that he's not interested in anyone else and isn't even thinking of another relationship. he just wants to be single for a while.

i was hurt though that he broke up with me OVER THE PHONE!! i think that was cowardly and then he stopped talking to me altogether because every time we did i cried. i think he is also being very selfish and immature in the way he is acting because he won't try to talk things through or let me know why he is doing this. i feel like i did something to him and if i did i want to know what it is. he was my best friend and boyfriend, we were never bored and never fought over anything serious, just the regular things couples argue about. i absolutly know i want to be with him and don't think there is anyone else that could ever make me as happy as he did. my fear is that if we get back together is that it won't feel the same.

i went back to an ex once before and absolutely couldn't stand him,i didn't love him nearly as much as i do this guy and i was young, so it's a completely different relationship. but i'm afraid that i won't be able to get over what he did or that that he might do it again. we have talked about our future and both want the same things, the same number of children, same type of house, same finacial status, same location, we wanted exactly the same things and we were not only a couple we were best friends, which you can't always have in a relationship. as soon as things started to get really serious he ran away and told me that he's just not ready.

i'm willing to wait until he's ready and to work through this, even go to couples councling. i'm still in school and he doesn't have the greatest job right now so i guess it would be better to wait, but i can't tell him this because i can't get a hold of him. i don't want to go to his job and talk to him because i don't think that is right and i don't know when he is home and don't want to cause a scene in front of his family. he also has said to me numerous times that he doesn't want to end up like his brother and sister. his brother had kids very young and just always seems unhappy and like he's stuck with this girl because they have kids,and she is constintly yelling at him he tells my ex all the time not to every get married, it's hell. his sister also got pregnant before marriage and married the guy, who cheats on her all the time.

how can i convince him that we are not going to be like that? i've dated other people and seen other people go through relationships and know that it is hard to find someone you can connect with as well as we did. how can i help him not be scared of a commitment and how can i tell him that i will wait until we're both ready?

Our Suggestion:
The fact that he broke up over the phone and then ran away is a really bad sign no matter how he felt about commitment. You guys were best friends. You deserved to be told face to face about the problem. Even if he needed a break for a while, he should have told that to you properly. Talk about not being ready for a commitment - he doesn't sound like he was even ready to be dating.

It may be that this guy will just never want to marry because of his fears. You can wait an eternity to figure that out. That's not really fair to you. I would write him a letter and offer to go to a meeting with a minister or other 3rd party to talk about it. Obviously there are sucky marriages in the world. Equally as obviously there are some fantastic ones. If he is going to always dwell on how awful things could be, then even if you two did marry he'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. That would be a quite unhappy situation. He has to face this. If he refuses to, then you need to accept that he's not going to be the guy for you.

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