My Jealousy Made Things Worse

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Visitor's Question:
My boyfriend is best friends with his ex from H.S. he has had many other relationships since her yet she's still always there lurking around. I have expressed my concern about this situation to him many times with no results, actually it leads us to argue because I don't believe it's all innocent. Why should I when she calls all hours of the day and night.

Recently I have found out that I am pregnant and that has changed nothing, he still allows her to call she even called early one morning while I was running back and forth to the bathroom with morning sickness, he didn't wake up for me but when that phone rang he was up. I ask him why is she so important to you and he can't answer me and he has told several people about my pregnancy but not her, isn't it odd not to share this with your best friend.

I have numerous reasons to believe that one or both of them have some feelings for eachother but I will never get a straight answer from him he puts her feelings before mine at the end of the day when I'm upset she can go to bed smiling he even told her that her constant calls bother me and she still calls but he doesn't find that to be disrespectful! Please help me!

Our Suggestion:
There are two answers here, as there usually are. Every story has two sides. So first, it is very normal for men to have female friends and for women to have male friends. So the fact that he has a female friend is VERY normal. If he wanted to date her, he would! They have had ample opportunity to over the years. He chose not to, he chose to be with you. But he's still allowed to have other friends! Yes, many people love their best friends, they are there for them through thick and thin. Again, that's normal.

You expressed your concern to your boyfriend. He told you there was nothing to worry about. Both of those are quite normal! But then you got even more jealous and now it sounds like you were telling him to stay away from her and are angry at her for not staying away from him. Is that really how you want your boyfriend to feel about relationships - that you abandon them just because someone tells you to? You're showing him you don't trust him - when trust is the most important thing in any relationship. So your jealousy - which so far is without any basis - is undermining the entire relationship.

So now comes the other side of the story. It sounds like your jealousy and pushing him away and arguing with him about his friendship with her has caused the exact opposite effect as you wanted (which often happens). So now he thinks of her as his escape from you and your arguing and problems. So he's happy to hear from her, because she understands him and she listens to him without complaining.

If you treat him like a kid, one that can't be trusted, then he's going to act that way. Relationships and love are about trust and honesty, not jealousy. If you're going to trust him, you have to start now. You can't make him change and then trust him. In fact you can rarely make people change at all. So you need to sit down with him and have a long talk. I have lots of advice on the site about how to get these talks set up. Then tell him you TRUST him but that a friend of one of you needs to be a friend of both of you. Couples shouldn't keep private friends on the side. They shouldn't keep private lives with secrets hidden from each other. So invite her over to have dinner with you guys, get to know her and make her a part of "YOUR" life. The less she's a "secret side lady" and the more she's a "woman you both like", the easier this will be.

If you really are still so jealous that you can't stand him talking to her, it might be time to talk to a therapist or minister or someone else like that. Otherwise you might in essence drive him out of your life with your jealousy, and drive him right into hers.

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