Boyfriend is Angry if he doesn't get Sex

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Visitor's Question:
My boyfriend gets mad or disappointed if I don't give him sex. Am I being used?

Our Suggestion:
There's no easy answer to that. Let's say you were both 30 and living together for 3 years. And let's say that you started out having sex once a day and now he still wanted it a few times a week but you only wanted it once a year. He'd be disappointed with that. And that would be a normal thing to work out.

But let's say you're both 15 and he wants it every day and you just don't. And he gets upset each time you deny him. That's not good. Sex is all about two people voluntarily sharing their most intimiate parts with each other. It's not something you turn on and off like a spigot. And there are all sorts of feelings and emotions and mental connections going on. If you're tired or upset, you're just not in the mood for sex. And forcing sex at that point is causing harm to the relationship, not good, because you're going into sex (which SHOULD be the ultimate tie between you two) thinking that you're doing it because you have to. Sex should NEVER be about "have to". It should ALWAYS be about "want to".

If he's a teenager, then yes, his hormones are going full blast. And if he's really in the mood and you say no, he's going to be disappointed, just as if he saw a chocolate cake in a store window and really wanted it but didn't have the money to buy it. But part of being mature enough to date is being mature enough to treat your partner as a human being you care for and respect, and NOT treating them like a piece of property or meat.

Yes, he's disappointed. Yes, he'd like sex. But you know, sex is about TWO people wanting something, and he has to learn to want your happiness more than his sexual desire. If his response to you saying "I don't feel like it" is to get ANGRY with you that is just wrong. It means he doesn't respect you and your feelings. And that is one of THE most important parts of being with someone. If he's disappointed, he has to learn to take it, without moping around the house or whatever. Yes, he's disappointed, he accepts it and then goes on with his life.

So I don't know that I'd say he's using you, but I would say he's not handling the situation well at all. He needs to start treating you differently and handling this differently if he's going to maintain a relationship. If he's disappointed and is showing it badly, I'd talk to him about that. If he's actually being ANGRY and in any way being loud to you, I would put an immediate stop to that. You do NOT deserve that at all.

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