Getting over a breakup

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Visitor's Question:
I dated this Girl for apprx 3 years and 1 month and we just recently broke up, about 1 month and couple of weeks. I am still in love with her. I am a freshman in college and she is a senior in high school. Everything I do reminds me of her. We broke up over me in school and her not trusting me, and I think she wanted to expierience other things. I am very depressed and suicidal at times, but I try to go to events and keep my mind off her, but it never works. If I stay in my room by myself, I become very depressed constantly thinking of her. I have been seeing this other girl for bout a month but its not to anything with feeling, I think i am feeling the rebound stage, I feel bad for her becasue she is on a totally seperate page in the relationship then me, and its not even for sex or foreplay, becasue she doesnt give any out.(which isnt a bad thing).

Ok well I know this sounds hypocritic but my ex girlfriend is like going out with different guys and like doing things that she use to tell me she wasnt allowed to do, which makes me really mad. And I am really depressed and I really want to be with her. She is applying to Va Tech and the original plan was for me to do good in my freshman year and transfer to be with her. I am still planning on transferring but who knows. My Ex and I did everythign together and we had a blast, well I did! We gave each other our virginity and everything. We both do not drink nor smoke, and we just had so many things in common. And Im very depressed not really trying to get over her becasue of the great things we had. Our last 6 months were pety fights, and arguing. Whenever I think of her "messin" with other guys or going on dates I EXPLODE in a temper and become very depressed. I have written a suicidal note and everything, but refuse to put it in effect. I am a Baptist and everything, so I know the punishment.

I LOVE HER SO much and I cant get over it!! and it is killing me inside and I am scared that I have lost her. I have tried to talk to her but she just runs away. I have seen her twice since we broken up. And the worst thing is that I was very close to her entire family, and like when I lost her I lost them to and like i dont know I am very sad and cant seem to get out of this slum. I have received the IF IT IS TO BE THEN IT WILL like a billion times so im not looking for that but I really need help and like i am not going to sit down and talk to people, because that just isnt me! So i am writing to the world to help me in some way, i am very desperate, and I think i have lost her forever! I know what I am doing to this girl I am seeing now is wrong and I feel bad but I dont know she is just really sweet and attractive, but im not emotionally connected to her in anyway. WHAT CAN I DO PLEASE!!!thanks a bunch, if there is just something to make me stop hurting please let me know. I am a 18/m and I dont think I should be like this. I think I am a little more sensitve then most guys, which doesnt help either! Thanks Im glad i can talk about this to you, awesome web site. Thanks again

Our Suggestion:
First off, depression can be a serious situation. Find a teacher, therapist, your doctor. There is medication you can take and techniques you can learn to get through it. That should be your first priority. If anything else is going to work, you have to take care of yourself first.

As far as she goes, people change. It's one of those facts of life - as you get older, your priorities change, how you view life changes. So two people who are perfect for each other in high school can be *completely* wrong for each other in college. It's not that this is good or bad or anything else, it's just a fact of life. It's like caterpillars and butterflies being different from each other. It's the way they grow.

You had something special with the girl in the past. And now you miss that special feeling you had and want things to "go back" to what they were before. But people keep growing and changing. It sounds like, while your girlfriend was perfect for you earlier, she has changed a lot. She's gone on to value different things. And while you pine for what she was, she's not that person any more.

You need to first deal with the depression. But then, deal with separating the fact of what she is now from the fantasy of what you want her to be. *Nobody* lasts on a pedestal, and your idealized version of her isn't going to do either of you any good. She's a different person now. And what you crave in a partner isn't what she is. So accept that you two were great together once, and that because of that you now know what you're looking for in a woman. But also accept that she is NOT that woman any more ... and that there are MANY women out there who are good for you. Now it's up to you to find one of them and make that good match.

Harassing her for changing isn't going to do any good. She grew and changed, that's natural. Give yourself some time to accept that she's not the woman you need in your life. And then open your eyes and look around at the women who ARE in your life. Get to be friends with them, and I bet you'll find that there are people suited to you right in your own college.

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