How to Act Around her Friends

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Visitor's Question:
My girlfriend and I are pretty close. Except for the friends issue. There is a problem when we go out with her friends. The main problem is that I want more attention when we are out with her friends, but she doesn't want to, saying that it would seem like we are going out on a personal date, then what's the point of going with friends.

She also says that I come off as "blunt" and/or rude sometimes. Also, she says that it is awkward, and when I do that kind of stuff, it makes everything awkward to the point that she doesn't want to be there. That was in high school though, I'm pretty sure that I am different now, after more social interactions and such.

My question is what can I do? I want to integrate more into her life, at least a little bit in everything (I know that both girls and guys need their girls/guys night out), but she's resisting very firmly. I don't want to break down the wall, just, you know, crack it and put my foot in.

Our Suggestion:
It's good for you to want to be involved with her various hobbies and friends, and also good that you know she'll need some time along with just her friends. These are both really good things for any relationship.

It sounds like things got uncomfortable in the past when you were around her friends, and she doesn't want to risk either her relationship with you or her friendship and have that happen again. You do need to respect her feelings how how she feels comfortable around her friends. And since you have her the other times, you need to be able to let her be comfortable during the times that she's with her friends. If that means being less 'overly affectionate', that's a reasonable compromise.

So start small. You need to build up her trust. Suggest that you all go out to a movie together that you know everyone will enjoy. There are a ton out right now that are perfect. Tell your girlfriend that you really want to get to know her friends better since they're such an important part of her life, and that you want to show her that she can be proud of you and of being your boyfriend. That you know she'll want to see them without you many times, but that every once in a while you'd like to go along, just to stay in touch with that part of her world.

Let her know that you will be there as her boyfriend, but you will act 'appropriately.' That while you both do need time alone, that you also should stay involved in each other's worlds. It's not healthy to just exclude each other from an entire chunk of your life.

Hopefully she will see the logic in that and agree for you to come along for this one time. Now it's your job to pay attention! This of this as an exam in relationships. You know what bothers her, so avoid doing those things. Be friendly, helpful, and show her you CAN get along well with her friends. I think the tradeoff of being with her for the evening - even if you have to be near her and not constantly touching her - will be worth it!

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