he wants space, I dont want to let go.

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Visitor's Question:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months, its not a long time, but we have known each other for a very long time. I never thought I would want to be with him, and never thought we would be together, but it happened. When it did, he wanted to be with be everyday. So its been 3 months... and we have seen each other almost everyday of those 3 months. The other day he told me that he was going to go out and ended up calling me at the last minute and didnt even say he wasnt going, he just said that his friends were coming over. So I got really upset, and he ended up coming over. He couldnt figure out what was wrong and what I was mad at him about. Well the next day, he told me that he needed to talk to me, so we talked. He said that he has his friends and I have mine. And that he really misses those times with his friends and his free time to himself before we got together. This made me feel like he didnt want to be with me anymore. I love him, and I know I do, and I plan to be with him for awhile. He said he still wanted to be with me, but I still feel that way. He said he just needed a little space and that he still loves me. Before we started dating, I was the type that was always by myself, and did my own thing. When I met him, I realized I was a little lonely, so now, when he tells me he needs space, I dont know what to do with myself. Its like I went from being independent, to being with him all the time, and know that he wants space, I dont want to let go. When I dont have him with me, I feel so lost, and like I have nothing else to do. Sometimes I just cry. I dont want to lose him, I love him more than anything. I do understand that he has friends that he wants to hang with, but I guess Im really scared that if he started to spend less time with me, that he will eventually pull away, and not want to be with me anymore. Do you have any advice for me?

Our Suggestion:
Togetherness is wonderful. But too much of it will smother the relationship and it will implode and it will be over and you'll be spending your time wondering what went wrong... but it's clear to me what's going on, and if you step back you'll see it too.

You need to get some distance from this relationship -- it's swallowing you whole. You need to get involved in some activities that are completely unrelated to your relationship. You need to be your own person so that when you are with him, you are two distinct people who are sharing one life, not one amorphous blob who can't live without one another.

Your boyfriend loves you for who you are, and you're losing track of who you are. You need to rekindle those interests that you had before him, so that you can stand on your own two feet instead of relying on him to tell you who you are. He's realizing that he needs his space. This doesn't mean that the two of you are on the way out, it means that you're at a great point in your relationship where you can both grow and share with one another.

Good luck!

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