we thought it would last forever

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Visitor's Question:
I dated this guy for 4 years and we thought it would last forever. About a year ago I developed a crush on this other guy and knowingly/unknowingly i flirted with him and vice-versa. My boyfriend knew nothing about this. I secretly felt that the relationship had gone on too long, I needed my space. But every time we had broken up in the past (my initiative), we always got back in a couple of days. I guess you could say he grew onto me. He was my best friend and I could talk to him about anything without him judging me. we created this private world where we learnt to depend on no one but each other. We were closer to each other than to anyone else. But i still felt suffocated. The thought that this would be the only realtionship i would ever experience freaked me out and while i didn;t want to lose him i also wanted to experience everything else before committing to this one guy. Certain circumstances placed my crush and i together, about 6 months ago and he asked me out. Although i loved my boyfriend and i wanted him to be "the one" cuz i really couldn't imagine myself being with any other guy...but when my crush asked me out, an exciting world of whole new possibilities opened up. i thought of the space i needed from my boyfriend and i said yes. in a wierd coincidence my boyfriend found out about this just before i was about to tell him. he was shocked, hurt and felt betrayed- he asked me to not go through with it. he told me he loved me and if i dated this other guy i could never come back to him. in some way i had always taken my boyfriend for granted because he was always there. i depended on him so while he was saying all this, i was too excited and happy with this new guy to think about my ex. this was the breather i needed. some fresh air. a "vacation" from a four year long realtionship. the new realtionship lasted a few weeks. it wasn't long into the realtionship that my crush discovered that i wasn't over my ex. it ended quickly n we both agreed it was a mistake. i haven't spoken to him since. i tried to get back with my ex. i still loved him and i knew he loved me too. he just kept saying that he couldn't trust me especially since i hadn't "officially" broken up with him. but there was never a point where i cheated or was dating 2 guys at the same time. i wanted to end my realtionship with my boyfreind before dating my crush, but he found out before that. my ex and i have fought with each other alot over the past 6 months and in another3 months we both leave for separate colleges. he has told me that he can never date me again, because he doesn't trust me. im heartbroken. i make a huge mistake and i have tried gettin over my ex but i don't want to, especially since he tells me he still loves me n he wishes i hdn't betrayed him cuz we could've had everything we ever wanted.i'm so confused. i don't no whether to move on or keep tryin. this guy was my 1st crush and i will always love him deeply. he is still my best friend. i want him to trust me again and forgive me and im willin to do anything to make that happen.
am i asking for too much?

Our Suggestion:
It really hurts when what we want out of life just doesn't work out that way. You gave up something fantastic for the "greener grass on the other side." and it didn't work out. So you want what you had before. Unfortunately, there's a lot of hurt that's keeping the two of you apart. If you think that he'll go for it, I suggest that you get into couples counselling with him so that he'l hear from an independent person how to get over that hurt so you two can be together. I don't know that he'll go for it though. You've done a number on him and he has a lot to get over before he can trust you again. Unfortunately, you're in the position where you'll have to prove over and over again that you're trustworthy. That's just how the dice are rolled, because of your stepping out with the crush.

Personally, I would keep trying. It'll hurt a lot, but if there's even the slimmest chance that he'll come around, I'd go for it. Only when he says that he doesn't love you anymore, or when he gets a new girlfriend, that's when you have to move on.

Good luck!

--Jenn

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