My Guy is Controlling and Apparently Cheating

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Visitor's Question:
I am 20 years old and I am dating a guy 5 years older than me for about a year now. However, he is insecure and sometimes controlling. He gets mad if I hang out with certain people or go out to my friend's house "too late at night"(according to him). Whenever we fight, he is really inconsiderate of my feelings and often makes me cry. But when we aren't fighting, hes the complete opposite. He would say I love you like every 5 minutes. He would tell me how beautiful I am. He's a real sweetheart when we are getting along. Very affectionate. We have a great sex life.

Even tho he can be such a jerk sometimes, I am still with him because of how he is when hes NOT a jerk. I just wish he wasn't so insecure because it makes me wonder about him as well. Every night before we get off the phone, he always tells me to be good. Throughout our relationship, I have found a few suspicious numbers at his apartment, a condom under his couch that he claimed was offered by his step dad (we don't use them) and he told me he wanted to use it on me, a silver chain (looked feminine) that was supposedly found in a parking lot, he even called me one day and said I left my blue panties over at his house. They arent mine!! He said they probably came from the laundry room. There's been a few other things but they don't get to me like the ones i just described.

Also, I really hate that he used to go online sometimes and flirt in chatrooms and one time like a month ago he was in a chatroom and one of my guyfriends went undercover and talked to him and he admitted that he was talking to a girl that he hoped was "hot" and he would like to meet up with her. I was deeply hurt because I thought he was about to cheat on me and when i confronted him, he told me he was just bullshytting and trying to be "cool" cuz he was talking to another guy. Everytime I ask him about these things, he would tell me not to worry about him and that he would never cheat on me because he loves me too much to do that.

I want to believe him but in a way I don't. He tells he's faithful in such a heartfelt sincere way, but doesn't it seem like he has done some shady things? And worse, he often sits and question me if I been good, if I been cheating, if I done this, done that blah blah. EVERYDAY HE DOES THIS! I love this guy so much but I am pretty much in a fork of the road because I don't know whether or not I want to be with him anymore. He did tell me that he cheated on his ex of 3 years because he wasn't attracted to her. He tells me its the exact opposite with me, he says im beautiful and hes always happy with me. But Just knowing that he has cheated once on his ex makes me weary about our relationship now, and especially with some of the things that occured.

I would be so heartbroken if he ever did cheat on me and he knows this because I told him that. I am much too good for that. Can you offer me any advice or tips that would make this decision for me a lil bit easier??

Our Suggestion:
Normally I really say to give the benefit of the doubt to people. But it really seems like the evidence is stacked up against this guy. Why in the world is he harassing you daily about YOU being good? It really does seem like he "knows what people are like" because HE is that way and therefore assumes YOU are that way too and need to be kept in line.

Definitely he's a charmer and is good at making you feel happy when it suits his reasons. Undoubtedly he is using those same charmer skills on other girls too when it makes him happy to. And when he's not in charm-mode, he's busy trying to bully you to stay in line so that you don't go out and cheat. This really sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I know it's going to be really hard for you to break up with him because of his charming side - if you tried, undoubtedly he'd turn on the charm full force and try to break your resolve, and you might give in because of that and stay. So as much as I normally hate to recommend this, I might actually suggest catching him so that he can NOT try to charm you. Remember, this is the way he is. You have to accept it and steel your heart against it. He IS a charmer. When you catch him in the act he WILL come up with really stupid excuses for why he was doing it and try to keep you around. That is how he operates. But do you really want a lifetime of him cheating and using you, and then trying to charm his way out of it when he's caught? You don't deserve to be used like that.

So I suggest making up a screen name and flirting with him. See what he does. If he's truly honorable, he won't do anything. If he's the slimeball that he appears to be, he'll flirt back and even agree to a meeting. If he agrees to a meeting, make sure you are ready BEFORE hand by moving your stuff out etc in a subtle way (or get him to meet you after work/school so that you can do it without him being home). Then show up at the meeting with a best friend at your side, tell him you're through and LEAVE. You already know you are likely to cave in to his words. Give yourself the ability to get out of his reach and to spend the month or two to recover from it.

-- Lisa

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