He Posted Profiles on Sex Sites

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Visitor's Question:
I just found out that last year my husband attempted to cheat on me. I found some e-mail that he had printed out from a woman who he met on one of those adult friend sites. He told me that he did go to meet up with her for sex, but backed out last minuet. He said he couldn�t get aroused, b/c it didn�t feel right and he had to get out of there. I don�t know if I believe that. I also thing that just b/c he told me that he couldn�t do it, he technically still cheated on me!

After doing some investigating, I found that he had posted some profiles on those sites, looking for sexual partners. I confronted him about that, and he said that he was just �curious� and wanted to see what would happen. Since we have been married (almost 4 years) we have had major ups and downs. We do love each other very much, but he is a bit more self-destructive. He explained to me that at the time he was not happy with himself b/c he was in-between jobs and we were fighting all the time. I don�t know if it is immaturity that made him do that.

Since then he has been working very hard at his career and done a lot of soul searching and growing up. I just don�t get it. I do want to be with him and this incident, in a way has brought us closer, but I truly don�t believe I deserve to be in a relationship where someone has been unfaithful and disrespectful towards me. How do I overcome this with him? I am also scared that if things get bad again he will pull the same crap again. I don�t want to be his doormat. Why does he get to decide when it is time for a good marriage? How can he betray me like that? What can I do to get over this and be happy again?

Our Suggestion:
I am COMPLETELY with you on the thought that a guy posting profiles on sex sites and going to meet women IS CHEATING. Just because he couldn't "get it up" does not mean he did not cheat. Cheating is about betraying your partner. What if he HAD been able to have sex with that woman, and brought home a sexual disease that seriously harmed or even killed you? Condoms are NOT fool-proof. He risked your life, never mind your emotions, for his own selfish reasons.

Of course he has excuses for why he did what he did. Everyone always can think up excuses for bad behavior. But that still does not make it right. If he had been honorable and loving he would have controlled his urges. Most guys do. Instead, it's not even like he met a sexy woman at work and she seduced him. He deliberately went out and CREATED ACCOUNTS in order to have sex with other women. That's about as blatant as you can possibly get in cheating.

Sure, he claims he did it because he was unhappy. So does that mean that any time he becomes unhappy in the future, he's going to go out and do this again? How can you trust him going forward, if this is his solution to relationship issues?

I highly, highly recommend couples therapy - or at least therapy for you. You deserve to talk to someone about this, and it's not going to be an easy thing to get over. If he's just trying to brush it off as something you should accept, he's the one that needs to go get a talking to.

-- Lisa

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