More fish in the sea

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Visitor's Question:
Please, please help!!! I really, really like my friend. We are not good friends, haven't hung out (though were supposed to several times). She is a friendly, girl. This girl used to be flirty w/me especially this past summer when we worked alone at night. She asked me to hang out several times, play basketball, etc and i accepted. She then cancelled or told me she couldnt go out when i try to pick her up on it because she was really busy (she took several summer classes). I have given her little gifts for her birthday/chrsitmas and she was shocked giving me big hugs, telling me i am the sweetest.

This girl was talking with a mutual friend this summer and told her that she thought i liked her. I asked my friend how she acted and was told she seemed uninterested. However based on what i told my friend (about the flirting, wanting to hang out, etc) she said that it did not make sense and she thinks she might like me back. Everyone i talk to says that same thing.

Allow me to explain, i have asked for advice from friends and family members about this girl and everyone gives me the same answer: I am not sure. My parents and 19yo sister believe that we are both gun shy, afraid to pull the trigger (at least me) and our relationship is stuck in neutral, we dont really get any closer to one another, we just hang out at work and occasionaly on campus (very true). I am told by my mom & sister that she is the type who wont come right out and wear her feelings on her sleave, she tries to see how you feel about her and is protective of her feelings, she does not want you to know she may be embarassed if you do not feel the same way. I am told by them that she might have been asking me out but hiding it by saying to hang out. Also she asked me to visit a friend in the hospital twice, wanting to "go together". Everyone who heard that voicemail has told me they think she was asking me out. In the message (s) when she asks to hang out she follows it with "but if not, its no big deal" or "its no big deal either way" (whether you want 2 or not). I took this as she wasnt really interested, and got disappointed but have been told she may do that because she doesnt want to look stupid if i reject. Once after visiting that sick friend, she called me in tears and wanted me to comfort her. Afterwards she told me she knew she could count on me to make her feel better and told me how sweet i was to bring our friend flowers. She has occasionally sends me texts saying "cu 2morow at work right?"

Several times i think i may have given her the impression i want to be just friends. a while ago we were talking and she said "i mean, were just friends right? and were cool w/that?" then this summer (when the heavy flirting took place) she made a joke about one one of the bosses thinking we were going out, i said "oh great just what i need, more rumors about me" to which she looked at me for 2 seconds and said "its ok everyone knows were just friends". I have been told by everyone that she was telling me she wanted to be just friends (which i was sure she was) but was asking me and when she said that last statement, she was reacting to what i said because she did not want to look dumb. Everyone agrees ahe sends (and possibly me too) mixed signals. I get extremely shy around her and cant think of anything to say. Trouble is we have a lot in common but i dont think she knows it because i am so quiet around her, i believe she gets "bored" around me and thinks i am boring, perhaps that is the reason she has not made strides recently to hang out more w/me. Just today we were hanging out b4 a class and there were several awkward silences between us. i do not have this problem with other girls, just her because she means so much 2 me.

Recently the flirting has slowed a lot, i rarely get hugs now unless i intiate them or ask and i get the feeling like i have no chance and she really is uninterested. If i had to choose one word to describe our relationship of late it would be awkward. I only see her one day a week at work and it is killing me. It is important to note that my feelings for her have exsisted for 8 months. I am thinking about her all the time and want nothing more than to be with her. She is truly my dream girl. I am really suffering in silence here. I am so, so unsure of how she feels. I see her with other guy friends and it is just different w/me. I do not know if this is because there may be something there or because she knows i like her, and doesnt like me back so she acts differently. I would be so appreciative for your help and i thank you for listining, i value your advice.

Our Suggestion:
The sad truth, I am afraid, is that she considers you a dear friend but nothing more. You have given her every opportunity to advance the relationship if she wanted to but she didn't. The fact that she didn't and that the flirting and hugs have diminished tells me that she knows you care for her and that she is doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

If you are brave enough, ask her outright whether she would be interested in being more than friends. Don't accept an ambiguous answer, follow through until she says yes or no. That's the only way you can know for sure. You have had enough time and opportunity for things to develop if they were going to. Why torture yourself in silence?

Sorry my advice is so unoptimistic, but from here that what I think. Be of cheer, though, in realizing that there are many more fish in the sea.

Sincerly,
George

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