He Left Me for his Ex

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Visitor's Question:
My boyfriend recently went on an out of state trip to spend New Years/his birthday with some friends & to visit his ex-girlfriend. Before he went I told him I was uncomfortable with it. He went anyhow. He promised he'd never cheat on me, but he did with his ex.

When he came back, he told me. I broke up with him out of anger & hurt. It's only been about a week, but I realized I want him back. I wrote him a letter telling him how I feel. He got it today, and I called him today also. We talked & he said that he wouldn't have wanted to break up with me, if I hadn't broke up with him. So I asked him if he would want to get back together with me now, and he said no. He said over the past few days that we've been broke up, he had time to think, and he realized he still had feelings for his ex. He says that he still likes/cares for me alot. And if it wasn't for his ex, he knows that we would be together, but he says his feelings for her are stronger and he wants to pursue getting back with her. He also told me that if it doesn't work between them, we might be able to get back together sometime down the road.

This is all really hard for me, because until I broke up with him, I didn't realize how much I really cared about him. I would give ANYTHING to be with him again, but he says I can't change his mind. He says he still wants to be my freind and he has plans to hang out with me later this week. Please help. I don't know what to do. Should I keep pusuing it, or should I let go?

Our Suggestion:
The fact that he left you for New Year's and his birthday to be with his ex means that he already had some desire to be with her and was 'testing the waters' to see if it would work. That he could do that despite your concerns, and then cheat on you, means that he really doesn't have much of a commitment to a relationship. Yes, it's understandable that he might still care for her and be confused. But if he was thinking along those lines, he should have first told you he was unsure about YOUR relationship before chasing someone else. You don't leave someone "as backup" while you actively persue another person. That's just slimy. He used you as a 'tiding over person' while he fooled around with her and decided which of you he liked better. That's not fair at all.

I would really let him go. Let's say that he's with her for a while and gets bored with her, and comes back to you. You have NO guarantee that as soon as you guys hit a bump, he's not right back into her arms again, thinking "Oh she was better after all." He's already proved that he doesn't care much about commitment. He only cares about what pleases him at the moment. And since all relationships have ups and downs, that's a really bad sign if he's doing this now.

I'm sure he has many good qualities - now that you know which of these appeal to you, head out and find those qualities in another guy who is trustworthy and honest. There are millions of guys who can be depended on out there, many who complain to me about how they can't find a woman who is honest. One of them will be just perfect for you, and will be worthy of your love. Yes, it'll be tough to get over your ex - it always is - but in the long run it'll give you the space you need to find someone who will be *yours*.

Good luck!

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