He broke up and doesn't know why

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Visitor's Question:
Ok,my boyfriend and I broke up, he really wasn't sure why, he is the type who is unsure of his feelings, and after we broke up he talked about wanting to get back with me, well then his mom arranged a little outing with this girl to maybe cheer him up, well now after a while, they are together, but he calls me all the time! He never calls her or ever spends time with her. He doesn't even know how long he has been with her. What does this all mean? I still have very strong feelings for him, what do I do? I want him back so bad, but should I?

Our Suggestion:
It definitely sounds like this is one confused guy. He broke up but he didn't know why? If you guys were really happy, he wouldn't have broken up. So SOMETHING made him unhappy, and it's really unfair to you to not even let you know what! It's one of those responsibilities that comes with dating a person.

If he's doing the exact same thing with this new girl, it really sounds like dating him again would get you right back into the same boat - that you wouldn't know if he was on the verge of breaking up again because of some nebulous "feeling". You're at the mercy of his whims, about how he happens to feel at a given point. That's no way to live your life.

It doesn't sound like he's really dating this other girl. So if you really do care for him, maybe you can help him learn some life lessons here. Lesson #1 is that when you date someone, you are making a *commitment* to communicating with that person, even if it's not easy. Nobody said being in a relationship was easy - it can be really hard. But that's what you are committing to someone when you agree to date them - that you'll do your best to be honest with them, and to share how you feel, to make things work.

So the next time you talk to him, tell him that you'd like to go out to dinner with him. That you miss spending time with him and that dinner would be fun. Then when you have him face to face (which is ALWAYS better for talks) ask him how he really feels about her. Don't let him get away with "I don't know". That's a cop-out. If it's going to work between you two, his first lesson is how to talk about things, and this is a good time to start. Draw him out. If he's not calling her or spending time with her obviously he can't feel very strongly about her.

Then when he admits this, tell him that you miss the time you used to spend together and that you'd like to spend more time with him. Again, tell him how you feel. Yes, it'll be hard! But if you want HIM to talk, YOU have to show him how to do it. Make the effort, get through it. And then help him through the talking on his side.

Once you start spending more time together, KEEP TALKING. It won't always be easy. Sometimes it'll seem easier to just hide how you feel. But that is a sure way to cause the relationship to fail again. Talk, even when it's hard. Talk, even if you're not sure exactly how you feel. At least sharing the bits you know will help you both understand each other, and help get you in "practice" so that it gets easier and easier.

Good luck!

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