She Went Back to her Ex

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Visitor's Question:
I have been dating this special girl for four months. When we started dating she was just broken up with her boyfriend of two years for about a month. Things were going well. Our relationship was intense. She was crazy about me, sending me letters, flowers, and calling me twice everyday and telling me she loved me. I responded similarly and showed her my total devotion and love. We were even talking marriage.

One day things just changed. It wasn't a gradual change. She went from showing me all this love to pretty much nothing. Then she told me that she still has these feelings for her Ex but she didn't want to go back with him. She asked to take a break from our relationship but she said she didn't want to break up with me. What really confuses me is she wouldn't tell me what went wrong. She insisted she didn't know herself and she is very honest.

I found out recently that she went back with her ex. I love this girl but I don't know what to do. Why would she disappear from my life so quickly without telling me what happened. I did travel during weekdays but I always came back to see her in the weekends. Should I take her back if she decides she wants come back? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Our Suggestion:
This is one of those cautionary tales on why it's very important to wait a while after breaking up before going into anything new. A lot of what she was doing - the whirlwind passion - was probably because of her being on the 'rebound'. She was so excited to be with someone that was NOT her ex, that she was still desireable, that she had the thrill of new love.

Then at some point she found that she cared for her ex still, and went back to him. She had never really been *out* of her system to start with.

If she does fall out with her ex again, I'd take it MUCH more slowly. She's already shown that she's drawn back to him even when they have problems. If they break up again, it's likely that she'll have in the back of her mind that maybe they could get back together again, if you and she run into trouble. Sort of as a safety net. Instead, I'd be friends with her, but take it slow.

I know it's rough being in your situation - you were open and fair with her, and she had these dual loyalties and didn't warn you that she was still being drawn back to him - or that she did end up going to him. It might be better to look for another girl that shares the same traits as this one does - since you know you enjoy those traits - but who doesn't have strong attachments still going on. Rebounding can be very harmful for your emotional health.

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