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Visitor's Question:
I was in a long distance(6 hrs apart)relationship for almost 2 years. Initially, things were fabulous. He spoke of moving closer to where I live when he was able (he was in college, I was applying to a college program for a 3rd degree), we talked "lightly" of marriage (he had given me a ring-not engagement). About 1 1/2 years into it, things slowly fell apart and he pulled away. He said he needed time for himself (there is a 7 year age difference - i'm older), which I conceeded to. 6 mths later, we said what I thought were our final good-byes. I moved on with my life and was doing exceptionally well, though I missed him terribly, for I believe he is my soulmate. 3 months ago (1 1/2 years after our good-byes) he called me out of the blue, crying, saying he's confused, overwhelmed, and needs a friend, so I let him visit, but also let him know I still have deep feelings for him. He said the same in regards to me, and after his visit(and much deep conversation), he went back home to get back into college in a different program-he had dropped out earlier, and get his life in order because he "needs to have his life in order to be fair about working on our relationship". The problem is, he was confused and overwhelmed by the fact that his ex of 4 months had cheated on him and gotten knocked up, and also that he feels he's going nowhere in his life. She told him it wasn't his and left him. Three weeks after he returned home from his visit here, she found out he had come to see me, so she went to him and told him the baby may be his. His sense of responsibility to what is possibly his child has him trying to work things out with her. We come from different backgrounds (my family is a tight, solid, supportive unit, he comes from a broken home) and different lifestyles (I've always been acceptably well off, with a family to help me, he grew up struggling), but I don't care about that-I love him for who he is. My fear is that after his visit, he feels he is undeserving of me, or unable to live up to what he thinks I expect lifestyle-wise (I currently live in an exceptionally nice home, which just happened to be a lucky break, he lives in a rundown apartment with his highschool friend), so he has returned to this girl who cheated on him because he thinks she is more his "level". I graduate in 5 months, with spectacular job prospects. However, this situation has me tied up in knots and is affecting my shcoolwork. His friends and family (whom I still talk to and will be visiting-yes, 6 hours away-this weekend) tell him he's stupid (his words, not mine) to even try with this girl, and they have never liked her (they LOVE me). My friends and family tell me I'm stupid for not writing him off, but I can't, because I know what a wonderful man he is, that he has so much potential, and as I said earlier, I believe he is my soulmate. And so my dillema is, do I leave him be and let him struggle through his issues, do I try to support him as a friend even though it tears me apart, do I "fight" for him (and if so, HOW???), or do I move on with my life and always have this deep ache in my heart? I've dated several people since our initial goodbyes, but to me, no one even compares to him.

Our Suggestion:
If he is willing, suggest that he have a paternity test just to set the record straight. If he is the father, he may be financially liable but he doesn't have to marry her. You two should live together (he should switch colleges). If you are financially secure and with prospects for more money, you can expect to have to help him pay for child support (if it is his child). This is my advice and it all depends on how he reacts to the ideas. You need to figure out how to present it to him and do it soon. Easy for me to say!!

Good luck,
George

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