I Want to get Back with my Ex

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Visitor's Question:
Hello. My ex-boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me 4 months ago. We are both in college and at the time I was living with him (after having a long distance relationship with him for a year and a half). Our relationship had many ups and downs and was intense and full of insecurities from both sides. There were times when he and I were defensive in the relationship, perhaps because we were both afraid of being hurt and at times, he was afraid of commitment. However, we were great friends and tried to work through all of the differences.

We had been fighting a lot and all of the pressure kept building and he couldn't take it anymore. He said that he would always love me but he needed time to grow up and asked me to move out. He said that he wasn't interested in anyone but he just needed to concentrate and learn to love himself before he could truly love anyone else.

From that point on, I went crazy. I moved out but tried to continue to talk to him. He said that he couldn't talk to me because then we would eventually get back together. I want to say that he still cares deeply for me....its just something that he can't hide and I know him too well.

Regardless of his wishes to time apart, I continued to try to talk to him. Before the end of the semester, I laid off and then saw him in the convenience store. We briefly talked and I even saw him smile. I gained the courage to ask if we could have a cup of coffee before winter break. He said that would be cool.

I couldn't even call him for coffee after that because I was too afraid and now it is a month later. I haven't had contact with him since the convenience store experience. I have tried to move on but I can't find the connection and compassion that we had with anyone else. No one makes me laugh like he did and I think and dream of him very often.

I want to get back together with him but I know he needs his time. When we were breaking up, he said to give it a few months and we could talk about getting back together again. However, when I went crazy, he said that we would never be together again. I feel that he said this out of frustation.

We are both stubborn yet intelligent people who held strong opinions but meshed well (most of the time). Please help. My heart hurts and has learned much in the past four months. I wish I knew yesterday all of the things I have learned today.

Our Suggestion:
Living together can definitely be really difficult, and it can be hard to learn how to work through all the normal issues that come up. Working through issues isn't an easy thing to do, and it takes practice. It sounds like you guys just weren't very good yet at how to do that, and he threw up his hands and asked for a break while he thought about things. Yes, he should have worked through the issues instead, but these things happen.

If you want to get back together with him, the first thing to do is rebuild the friendship. So I definitely would call him and ask him to meet up with you just to talk. Find out how he's been doing with life, share with him how you've been doing. Talk about the things you've learned and the insights you've had and so on. Don't push to get back together again, just say you want to be friends again.

As you spend more time together, you'll both see how you've changed and grown and learned. And hopefully you'll draw back together again and be even closer than before. But you need to rebuild the friendship first, and you need to talk about what really went wrong before and that you SEE the problems now. That will give him some faith that, if you two did draw together again, that the results would be different this time.

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