My Ex is On the Rebound

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Visitor's Question:
I have been dating a girl for a little over a year and a half. She was my first girlfriend, and I really love her. She broke up with me, saying it just wasn't working out. I learned from a friend that she didn't see it going anywhere, but that she loved me as much as one can love someone.

We broke up three weeks ago, and she has already started dating someone else. I feel like she didn't even need the time to get over me, whereas I still get shaky when I see her. I really do love her, but I don't think she cares. Is there anyway I will be able to get her to love me as she once had?

Our Suggestion:
Wow, if you were dating her for a year and a half then she is DEFINITELY on the rebound. You need far more than 3 weeks to get over that kind of a relationship and to start dating again. It could be that she was sad and depressed about breaking up and rebounded onto this guy, which is a bad idea. It could also be that she was really attracted to that guy, didn't want to cheat on you and therefore called it quits with you to give this other guy a try.

Either way, something wasn't quite right about your relationship with her if she thought about (and acted on) breaking up. And if she had those sorts of serious issues after a year and a half, she really should have talked with you about them instead of just breaking up with you. Relationships are about commitment and about being honest and trustworthy. She owed it to you, if she started feeling unhappy, to talk to you about it so you guys could find a way to fix it. Instead, she let her unhappiness fester until she got to the point that she just said "I've had enough, I have to leave." Which isn't fair to you.

I would go back to her and ask her to talk somewhere private, maybe have dinner or just meet up somewhere. Say that after a year and a half, you really need to know what it was about the relationship that wasn't quite right for her - just so you can move on with your life. It's not fair for her to just say "It wasn't working." People don't leave long relationships because of some vague feeling. They leave because something bothers them seriously enough that being alone is better than dealing with the thing that bothers them.

Yes, it might be hard for her to admit to whatever it is and to tell you. But being in a relationship is about dealing with the hard parts as well as the fun parts. If she can tell you what it was, then at least you have something to work on, if you want to try to get things better so you two have a shot at it again.

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