I want to ask my ex to marry me

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Visitor's Question:
My girlfriend just recently broke up with after being together for almost 2 years. I am 18 and she is 16. She told me she wanted to take a break to think about things. Now she is dating a guy who is going to really hurt her. All he wants from her is one thing and i think you know that that is. She told me she still loves me and really cares about me, but she just wants to be friends right now. She also told me that she had fallen out of love with me. That hurt really bad.

i think that she is scared of missing out on her life considering she is only 16. I don't think she has fallen out of love with me. I don't even think she realized how perfect we are for each other. She has been the only girl to ever understand me and stay with me through some tough times.

Do you think that there is ever going to be a chance between us again? I was planning on taking her to a movie and dinner on Valentine's Day. Then asking her to marry me. I know i want to be with her for the rest of my life. Is there a chance that maybe she is just scared of commitment or is it that she just really has fallen out of love me and couldn't tell me that she never wants to be with me again?

I don't think i should call her because it may make her feel like i am just hounding her. I would wait my life for her. I know it sounds crazy, but she is the love of my life, my one and only true love. Any advice you can give me would be really appreciated. It would really help to heal my wounds right now.

Our Suggestion:
First, if she's taking a break because she's not sure about the relationship and is unsure about commitment, the LAST thing you want to do is ask her to marry you. Marriage is a life-long, serious commitment that needs to be made between two people who are very sure about exactly what they are getting into. Marriage should NEVER EVER involve someone pressuring the other. It sounds like she's about on the opposite end of the spectrum as where she needs to be to make that decision. She will probably just run away even farther if you try to pressure her like that.

It's very common for people who are together for a long time to have their relationship change over the years. The relationship goes from the hot passion of the beginning down through more calm and quiet love. A relationship also needs a ton of work to keep it going, and while it's easy in the early days to coast on the rush of passion, it's much harder as it goes on to maintain the relationship. If people just assume it'll 'take care of itself', it can easily falter.

So maybe one or both of those things happened. Maybe she's looking for that rush of passion again and not valuing the more mature love you guys moved into. Or maybe the relationship was taken for granted and not actively worked on, and she wants to be with someone that courts her more actively. People don't take breaks or break up when they're happy, so something was wrong. And you two weren't talking about the issues or concerns, and she ended up just taking a break without trying to work the problems through. Which is another KEY indicator that you guys shouldn't get married yet. One of THE most important things in marriage is the ability to work through problems and actively address issues. If she was able to get to the point that she just wanted to leave and NEITHER of you talked about this or addressed it, there's a lot of work to be done in your ways of talking with each other.

Teenage loves are very powerful, but they are also very likely to end as people mature and change and go on to becoming adults. You look back on those loves with great fondness but also with the understanding of what they taught you about how to love and relate - things that make your subsequent relationships even more strong and powerful. I guess I'm saying that even if this doesn't work out with her, because she wants to enjoy her teenage years and have fun, while you want to settle down already, that doesn't mean that something is "wrong". It means that you and she weren't really matched for each other as you grew. And somewhere out there IS a woman for you that is at your place in life and has your same desires and hopes and who will understand you completely. And that BECAUSE of the years of love with your ex, you'll be able to now appreciate her, and do a better job at communicating and dealing with issues and be even stronger. But if your ex really isn't interested in commitment yet, which is pretty normal at age 16, that to try to *force* her into your mold of what your girlfriend should be like is not good for her or for you.

In any case, if you want to take her out as a sign of your caring and affection, that sounds like a fun idea. But definitely do NOT pressure her at this point - especially not with marriage!! If a relationship is about one person pressuring the other into doing something, it is seriously flawed. The only way a relationship can work is if both people *actively* want something and both *actively* work towards it together. Maybe that'll be her in a few years, if you stick around and be her friend while she does the other things she wants to do. But more likely it'll be with another woman who IS the things you want instead of you hoping that some day your ex will TURN INTO the woman you want.

Good luck!

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