Long Distance Fading Away

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Visitor's Question:
I am 19 years old and I dated this guy when i was 15. It was really nice at the time and we always enjojoyed being togther. The relationship was nothing major but there was a strong connection between us. I knew it wouldn't last long because i was so young. I think he lost interest in me plus he wanted to go to California...possibly permanently so we broke up.

I didn't take the break up too seriously but i did get depressed and was spending alot of time alone...thinking. As the years went by....we kept in touch and even saw each other once in a while. When we did see each other it was kissing and making love (no sex, we never had sex). We always talked on the internet for years....about seeing each other and being together again. He said he still had a strong love for me.

Now he has moved from New York, to Arizona, and now Hawaii. While in Arizona he was all talking about seeing me soon and how when he got to Hawaii he would even help pay for a ticket. He makes me really happy...talking to him...or receiving a letter from him.

Now lately, he is living in Hawaii getting all settled down. I asked him about me coming to see him and he said "if your only going to come here to see me than that is stupid". And he said that he doesn't want any committment or relationship.

I just dont understand. Those words make me so sad. Not just sad but depressed. I now find myself in a big depression. I am hurt and crying so much. I'm beginning to think that he doesn't care. What do you think?

I always sent him letters telling him how i feel. Maybe i should just let him go....this way he will see what he is missing once it is gone? Should I just stop talking to him for a while so he thinks about me for a while? Cause i always send him stuff....it would probably be awkward for him if no me. What do you think? I don't know how to get over him....it's gonna be really hard.

Our Suggestion:
It can be very easy to have a long distance relationship if it's just for fun. He never promised to be with only you - he got to date whoever he wanted in all these different cities and then have you as his 'dream lover' for on line support, flirtation, and dreaming. It's always fun to make big plans and dreams, and he sort of had the best of both worlds.

But now you're asking him to in essence shut down his 'real world' of dating others and to commit to only being with you - which would also shut down your 'dream world'. So he's lose all the fun fantasies and such with you, and he'd also lose being single and fancy-free in a fun tropical land. So he probably doesn't like either idea.

That doesn't mean at all that he doesn't care for you. He must care for you quite a bit to have kept up the communication and dreaming for all these years. But it sounds like he's just not ready to settle down yet. I don't think trying to trick or force him into changing is a good idea nor would it probably work. People are who they are. Part of love is accepting that - the good AND bad about a person. If you start trying to force someone to be the way you WANT them to be, and tricking them into changing to be YOUR ideal man (or woman), that person is not right for you.

Somewhere out there is a guy who IS what you want him to be. This guy in front of you is fun for internet love, but he is simply not ready for real life love. That's fine for him, that's what he is as a person. And it's fine for you not to want that in a partner, and to want to find a partner who is a great match for you. But it's NOT great for you to try to take him, when he's living his life, and to try to squash him into YOUR shape of YOUR ideal man, just because that's what you want. That's very unfair.

It's always hard to have to accept the reality of a situation when you've been swayed by dreams. But it's always much more satisfying to have a reality you enjoy than to live on dreams. I would keep him as a friend, for support and fun. But if what you want in life is a REAL partner there for you to share your days, then I would open your eyes to the real world around you, because undoubtedly he's around you already.

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