She Felt like We Were Married

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Visitor's Question:
My girlfriend just broke up with me about a week ago. Actually she is now my ex. We had been going out for 5 months. Our communiction was rough at first, but it kept getting better and better. She made me feel very comfortable with my feelings and expressing them. No one else has been able to help me with that.

I love her with all my heart and she says she still loves me, but just wants to be friends. She said that she needed space and that it felt like we were married. She also said that she just didn't feel the sparks anymore. I don't know why she wants to give up on us. She alwas encouraged me not to run away from a problem and to never give up.

I want her back so bad, but I am afraid of pushing her away forever. What should I do? It also isn't helping that we live together. We both thought it was a little too soon to live together, but her roomate left and was in a bind. We both figured that since we hung out everday that it wouldn't be that bad living together. I just want to know how I can get back together with her, but also how I can give her the space she needs. I don't want to lose her, but at this point I can't just be her friend. My heart is breaking. Help.

Our Suggestion:
OK, first, she felt like the sparks were gone. It sounds like she doesn't realize that this is a NORMAL part of how relationships mature. They aren't full of heated passion forever. If they were, people would burn out like coals. Instead, all relationships begin with sparks and passion, to bring a couple together. And then they mature into a slow, steady fire that burns for the long distance. People who hop from relationship to relationship looking for that bright fire tend to become very unhappy (and end up alone).

Next, she said, as a bad thing, that it was as if you guys were married. Most people WANT to end up married! Being married means you understand each other fully, that you love each other, that you are dependable, that you trust each other, that you are comfortable with each other. How is this a bad thing?? You definitely need to talk with her again. What did she DISLIKE about the relationship? Was it that she felt too comfortable and she thought this was a BAD thing? Again, most couples that break up do so because they fight all the time and don't get along. They would *dream* about a relationship where they were comfortable and easy and happy together.

It sounds like you guys settled into a best-friends-and-lovers relationship which is the best kind. And it sounds like she has MTV and romance novel notions of a relationship being full of sparks and hot-heavy action non-stop and she didn't want "just a best friend" living with her. But that is what a relationship is all about - having a best friend by your side through your life. That is what lasts through the ups and downs of life.

Maybe there was something else bothering her that she was unwilling to tell you about. But after being together and living together you DESERVE to know the full truth about what she is feeling. Sit down with her in person - don't do this over the phone or email. And ask her openly and honestly what she is FEELING. Explain that yes, it was like you were married, because this is the HEALTHY progression a couple should take. Ask her what about this progression *bothered* her, and how she believes a relationship *should* go. Suggest that the two of you go to a counsellor together to work on the situation - maybe if she hears it from a 3rd person it will sink in more.

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