His Mom is the Other Woman

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Visitor's Question:
Lately I have been feeling like i am stuck in the love triangle. Between me and my boyfriend there is another woman - HIS MOTHER. But let me explain. We have been dating for 3 years and she was always so nice to me we talked on the phone, went shoping and our relationship with her could have been better.

But the last 3 or 4 month it was hell. She became so possesive of her son. She wants to go with us everywhere. If we want to go to the park and have a picnic she is there if we want to go for a evening stroll she is also there and then when my boyfriends tries not to take her with us she getting very upset and not talking to him for days.

I don't understand what changed and why she changed her whole attitude about me.

Our Suggestion:
As bizarre as this might seem, this actually happens every once in a while. It's easy to think of as mom as an "old woman". But in her head she is a "woman" that wants to feel young and beautiful and loved. And up until now she has had a loving and attentive guy - i.e. her son. I'm not saying its sexual, but it's a very strong love that she has come to rely on.

At first, she probably liked having you around, as a fellow woman to talk to. You made her son happy, that made her happy, she didn't see you as a threat. But it sounds like recently she has started to realize that her son REALLY liked you, and that you could TAKE HIM AWAY from her. Now he would live with you! Maybe she could only see him on weekends! This can be a huge shock and upset to a woman who has had that love in her life for decades.

Of course, it's something that all moms have to go through. Most are a little more self-reliant though and don't nail their sons in the nest in order not to be lonely. One of those things about being a mother is that you are supposed to be raising your children to go out and be happy, independent, loving people who now lead their own lives. If you raise a child and then glue them to your side and say "don't leave me!!" you're not doing very good things to your child's mentality :)

I know it must be really hard for your boyfriend. He loves his mom. It's not his fault she's clingy. He doesn't want to hurt her. But in the end, this is one of those hurdles she is going to have to get over. And the more he coddles her and lets her interfere with your relationship, the more she's going to think it is "normal" and "right" and insist it keep going on. She's forced him into this position by her behavior. For her to pout because you two want to have a picnic alone is completely not acceptable.

She has to learn now that she cannot emotionally manipulate him, and that she cannot be his "girlfriend" for the rest of his life. If he needs to, have him talk about going to therapy for a few weeks in order to sort out his issues with his relationship with you. And then have him suggest to his mom that she come along to the first one or two since she has such good insight into the situation. I think the therapist will realize in about .2 seconds what is going on and take over from there. Maybe if his mom hears it from a 3rd person it will start to sink in.

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