He's got a Nasty Temper

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Visitor's Question:
i've been dating this guy for about 2 1/2 years now. i love him a lot. but over the past few months we've been having heated arguments. it feels horrible!

i feel that he gets irritated easily n he is very fierce to me. he used to be much even-tempered n seldom lose his temper...but if he does, it's usually like a 'volcano' exploding.

anyway, the quarrel we had these days has lead him stomping off (he has always been like this) n he will even mention break up (he has done so a few times for past few months). whenever he mention break ups i feel very very sad... i feel as though my heart is being torn apart,literally. however i'll be back in his arms eventually after a few days of cooling off.

there were times i'm begging him to be nice to me the way he used to, i had begged him to stop making me feel so horrible n love me once again. i cried n cried that i feel too tired to bother sometimes...

but i'm not so sure if he understands me. we've talk things out n i did mention about how i feel...he nods his head said he understands but the cycle will still repeat itself again.

anyway, i just want to share my problem with someone who is willing to 'listen'.

i need to know why do i have to beg for my happiness?
is it time to end this relationship?
what can i do to have a fulfilling relationship?
m i too lousy a girlfriend?
can this relationship still be salvage?

Our Suggestion:
I know exactly where you're coming from. You have been together for a long time and put a lot of time and effort into this relationship. You don't want to just give it up. But on the other hand NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY, should ever be in a relationship that involves yelling and volcano-like tempers. It can very, VERY easily escalate into a "little shove" and into far worse. And each step along the way you think "Oh, I can forgive him" and suddenly you're in something very scary.

So he should NOT be having these violent outbursts. Period. Yes, he can be angry. And the way mature people handle anger is to talk about the issue when they CAN. If he can't he should go for a walk or something. That does NOT mean stomp out. It does NOT mean threatening to break up!! All of those are very immature ways of dealing with stress.

You've already talked about it and told him this isn't good. And he agrees and promptly does it again. So the next time he goes volcano, YOU go for a walk. Don't stomp out. Tell him that you will talk with him about it when he's ready to talk, but that he isn't right now. Don't cry or scream or fan the flames in any way. Just say he's not talking, so you're not talking. And leave. When you come back, if he will talk, then talk. If he's all upset that you didn't give him his "captive audience" for his tantrum, then he has some serious problems. The aim for two people should always be to find a RESOLUTION to the source of the argument, not for one person to be the victim while the other person screams and yells.

If he starts talking after a few of these situations, then you have a chance. But if he gets angry that you want to TALK instead of listening to him YELL, then I would really take this as a sign that he is not ready for a long term relationship. And I would count yourself lucky that you found this out now, before you were legally bound to him. Honestly and truely, promise me you won't stay if he keeps yelling at you like that. It is Not Good.

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