My Boyfriend has Bad Fights with Me

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Visitor's Question:
This is something I've been trying to deal with for awhile now. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 months. Our relationship is kind of werid becuase he is 4 years older than me, in college and I in highschool. Our families accept this factor and so do we. We live two hours away right now also. That is just to give you a little insight on the topic that may help you answer my question.

We started fight about 2 months into this relationship. Our first big fight I dont remember becuase from there it has been all downhill. Not a week goes by that we dont have a BAD fight. I'm always the only saying I am sorry. He'll say I don't accept blame, that I'm patronizing him, or that I'm being agrumentative. I have to constantly watch my words so he won't get mad at me for saying something wrong. I told him this one night and that killed him that I couldn't fully express myself out of fear of how he will react. We almost broke up because he said that he I deserved something better than this. He said he lost one girlfriend (of four years) because of his temper and he didn't want to ruin what we could have. Don't get me wrong he doesn't hurt me! Never has done that and never will i believe that with all my life. But I just feel so cornered when we fight. Like I am always wrong. We got in a fight last night and I was blawing becuase he was flat out calling me a liar and that he didn't believe me. That really hurt me.

My friends tell me that this is like verbal abuse and that I'm always crying and it's not right. I love him! With everything I am and I know he loves me. But I just don't understand why he is doing this. Why are we fighting so much? This isn't fair. We have the best relationship when we are together and not fighting. It's like a fairtale. But he just gets really upset about stupid things (me not answering my cell and calling him back ten minutes later.. etc.) Give me all the advice you can because I love this guy and really would do anything to keep him in my life.

Our Suggestion:
This guy has SERIOUS PROBLEMS. Yes, you love him and he loves you. But that does NOT change the fact that his behavior is ABUSIVE. This can NOT go on. The more you make excuses for him, the worse it will get. There is no way that you should ever have to put up with any of this. A loving relationship is about two people who respect each other, listen to each other, and can disagree with each other without screaming. He is being childish and immature and abusing you.

He says he doesn't want to ruin your relationship. But he is, continuously, and obviously he isn't doing anything to stop it. It's not like he is a "helpless baby"!! He is the one who opens his mouth and says these things. All of us get angry. But he is being immature and screaming at you as a result, when he could KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT. He makes that choice. Nobody pushes him into doing what he does, as much as he likes to claim others do. Part of being adult enough to DATE someone is being adult enough to HANDLE that relationship. He is not. Period.

The next time he starts to yell, walk out. I am SERIOUS. He is throwing a tantrum just like a baby and enjoys the power he gets when he can threaten you. He feeds off of that energy he gets, watching you cower. So don't be his audience! Say that you will come back when he is CAPABLE OF TALKING about the issue, and leave. I don't care if you are in a movie theater or restaurant or anywhere else. LEAVE HIM.

When you come back, maybe he will be rational and apologize and talk about the issue. If so, you have a chance and can work on it. If you keep leaving when he blows up he might learn how to handle himself like a mature adult.

But if you come back and he's angry that you didn't say and "take his abuse" - then tell him either he gets therapy or you cannot date him any more until he does. That you will take a break to give him time to clean himself up. There is no way YOU can fix this problem of his. It is IN HIS HEAD. And if HE cannot handle it on his own, then he needs help. But IN NO CASE STAY WITH HIM if he does not take action about this issue. I am very, very serious.

If he was an alcoholic and throwing bottles at you, you would make him get help or you would leave until he did. By staying and "taking it" you only encourage him to continue. This is the Exact Same Thing. If you love him, you must show him that he needs to STOP what he is doing. Period.

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