I want him to see me happy and independent

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Visitor's Question:
I have so many questions! It's been 4 months since my ex and I split up. He's been dating an older woman who is completely evil and ignores his two daughters! I just don't understand what happened with us. We had an awesome relationship for a year and a half. I thought that we were just gonna take a break, but he had a different idea I guess. Just two or three weeks after the split he was "with" this woman. I know he never cheated on me, i just don't see how I was so easily replaced. We often talked about marriage and having kids. He still shows up to our Sunday School class and to the gym at the time he knows I work out. We played on a volleyball team together and often a bunch of us get together and play and he shows up there too. These are all places that I was involved in for many years before him and he only got involved when we started dating. Now that I'm moving on with my life(or trying to) he's still around. He has been bringing the woman to church (which is completely wrong in my opinion only because he told me why she's hounding him about coming to church with him-she hates the fact that we're friendly to each other, that we played ball together, have all the same friends and he still comes to my church where she knows I'll be! It's just despite me. She's threatened by me!) I often think that he feels he's got me on the back-burner, that I'll always be there, ready to take him back. That's the problem too -- I want to be with him so badly! I truly love him and would do anything to get back with him. I won't make that known to him though, I want him to see me happy and independent. I think he does, but he knows I love him. I have been out with a couple of guys, but do not wish to pursue anything with them. I am ready to date and meet people and see what is out there, but I haven't had the opportunity to. I almost think that if he knew I was seeing someone or at least not waiting on him that he would get upset. I just don't know if it would upset him enough for him to think he's lost me and come running back or if it would push him farther away and give up. What the heck should I do. I have been nothing but friendly to him and his new girlfriend and extremely supportive of him. Oh...another thing...he's always been very upfront about how he's fine alone and he likes being by himself, the other day we were talking and I asked him if he missed me, he said yes that he really did. Now again I don't get why he's with her, other than "it's" available when he wants it. He did finally admit to me that he doesn't like being alone. NOt that he has to have a girlfriend, he just has to be around people. I've know this for 2 years and he finally said it! His friends aren't really doing much with him because she's always around. They hate her. She won't let him out of her sight! He hates that too! He can't stand to feel constrained! If he doesn't like being alone, why is he with her and not with me? I think he'll get tired of her soon enough, but when? I know as well as he does that he's miserable. It's all over his face! We always had a blast together, we had our spats and arguments, but always loved each other. I'm completely confuse and don't know what else to do except make him think he's lost me. But that scares me too, because I don't want to lose him. I wonder too, if he feels, or felt, rejected by me because I'm the one that said we needed to separate. Although he knows that wasn't at all what I wanted to do. I needed to know that our relationship was moving towards marriage and he wasn't ready to go that direction. I never pushed marriage, I wasn't even saying he needed to propose. I just needed to know that's where it was headed, in no rush whatsoever! He said that more often than not he was ready to ask me, and sometimes he wasn't sure. Bottom line...he wasn't sure, he said sometimes he was 100% sure sometimes he wasn't. So I had to make a decision. The hardest one I ever made. I want him back! What do I do?

Our Suggestion:
Think of this as a volleyball game and your down about 7 points.

What are you going to do? Play tough, play consistently, play as a team. So you need to have a tough mental attitude about this man. Right now you seem to be waffling about how to handle the situation. Instead realize that you have to make up your mind and go with it because he who hesitates is lost. I don't advise trying to make him jealous. That is building an emotional falsehood which he will probably detect. Do show him that you are independent and not clingy. Be consistent in how you treat him... don't make him guess what you are up to. If you want him back, let him know in a calm, controlled fashion. Let him know you are glad to see him whether it is at church, or on the court. It's like giving him a consistent set. Teamwork is trickier. One idea is to incorporate his girls into your life so that they will be part of you two. Offer to babysit them or just to take them out. Also, go out after playing with the volleyball team and get something to eat and make sure he comes along. If no one wants to go, ask him to go with you alone. Be a team with him whenever you can cheer him on when he has a nice block and give him encouragement when he hits one into the net. Ask him to play in a doubles tournament with you... there is teamwork by fire but very bonding!

The volleyball analogy only goes so far. You said you would do anything for him yet you would not you also said you would not let him know that. Maybe it's time that you do. I agree with you that he will eventually give her up and with some nudges from you it might happen earlier.

Good luck! George

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