He Still Doesn't Trust Me

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Visitor's Question:
When I first started college I had a boyfriend, but I was also seeing this guy that attended the college with me. He and I were just friends initially and it escalated to more, so in essense I was seeing him and my boyfriend at the same time. I lied to him about a lot of things and was dishonest, which in retrospect I realize that I handled the entire situation badly.

We had an off again on again thing for a few years while I was still seeing this other guy and afterwards we have remained "friends" all this time.

About a year ago (I'm now 26) we decided that we would try again to build a meaningful relationship. And things went along smoothly for a short time, but then it came out that he does not trust me because of the situations that occurred over 5 yrs ago. I've tried to talk to him about this and show him that i love him and he truly means everything to me, but my actions and words fall on deaf ears.

I love him more than anything and I so much want this to work out. It seems that this situation has taken a terrible turn for the worst and the friendship is suffering. This was a guy who I could talk to about anything, but now we argue all the time because I feel that he wants to believe these bad things about me are still true and refuses to accept that I have grown alot since being 18. I love him so much, what do I do to help him overcome this fear or do I just give up? Help!

Our Suggestion:
Betrayal of honesty is one of the worst things you can possibly do in a relationship. The foundation of every relationship is honesty - that you can trust this person to be by your side no matter what the world throws at you. If you can't trust the person, then whenever something happens - whether it's a lost job or a handsome guy wandering buy or anything else - you have no faith that your partner will really stick by you. Which pretty much makes the relationship meaningless.

It's hard enough to trust at the beginning, but to trust someone who has actively burned you is really, really hard. Many times it simply can't be done. It takes a ton of time, effort and commitment by both people to rebuild the relationship. It can definitely be done, and sometimes the relationship can be even stronger afterwards, but it's not easy.

If he just can't do it on his own, it might be good to go together to a therapist. There are of course many, many therapists that specialize in repairing lost trust. Tell him you're willing to actively work on fixing this, and ask him if he is. If he is, then even just a few sessions together with someone might be enough to get him started on the right path. But he really has to want to give this another try and to FULLY trust you. And if he can't do that on his own, some trained help might get him going.

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