A Crush on a Married Woman

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Visitor's Question:
I am 23 years old and have never had a real girlfriend, i have had girlfriends in school but I never really had any feelings for them so instead of wasting my time and my "girlfriends" time I would end the relationship in a few weeks. However in school I was madly in love with this girl but she never felt the same way about me and it took me a really long time to get over that.I am not the type of guy to just date anybody, I need to know and like that person first.I fall in love very quickly and always end up getting hurt and I haven't had any girlfriend in the past 5 years, I haven't even kissed a girl in past 5 years. One year ago I became very close to a married woman 6 years older than me. I fell in love with her and I thought that she felt the same way about me. I knew it was wrong but I coudn't control my feelings and now she only wants me as a friend.She is in my social circle and my problem is that I can't seem to forget about her. I really do love her and will do anything for her. I literally can't stop thinking about her and I don't know what to do.We haven't been physical in any way. I don't even wanna look at other women, they don't interest me. Please help.

Our Suggestion:
It sounds like you have the idea that super special feelings have to exist to date someone, and that without those strong feelings it's not worth dating someone. In fact, the people you date should be people you are friends with, and you should always be friends with your dates :) So to break off a date because you were 'just feeling friendly' with someone is sort of backwards. You DO want to be friends with them, and spend time with them.

Love isn't about crashing tidal waves that sweep you out to sea. It's about being with someone that you can talk to completely, be apart from, be together with, spend time with, enjoy, have fights with, be cranky with, still hang out with. It's slow and steady and constant. It's not all-consuming. You have to be the *best* of friends to survive a relationship. If you just have passion, that'll burn out over time and leave you with nothing to hold you together.

This woman is married. If she was willing to leave her husband for you because you were 'more fun', what would that say about her when she's now with you? Who would know if someone 'more fun' would now come along and she'd leave you for him. It's never, never a good idea to go after someone that is already in a committed relationship with someone else. If she was willing to leave her husband, spend a few months alone to get over him and get herself together, and then date you when she was past the 'rebound' stage, I would say to give it a try. But pining for her passionately when she's got a wedding ring on is just asking for trouble.

Look at all of the SINGLE women around you. Are you friends with any of them? Do you enjoy spending time with any of them? Then spend some more time with them! Have fun going to movies, or art shows, or dinner, or the theater, or music, or whatever it is you enjoy. Have fun. That's what life is all about, enjoying the things that are available to have fun with, and enjoying those things with friends. If they're female friends, that's great. You might find after a while that one of the female friends really gets along well with you - you can talk to her about anything, you feel comfortable with her, you can TRUST her. That trust and comfort is what you're looking for. THAT is what will make a relationship last through the years.

Good luck!!

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