I Caught Him on the Phone

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Visitor's Question:
I eavesdropped on a phone conversation between my boyfriend of 9 years and some woman I had never heard of. He was making plans to have sex with her and they were telling each other "I love you" and other intimate things. When I confronted him he said she was just a friend and that they had been friends for many years before he met me. But he never told me about her because he thought I would be mad. I think the real reason he never told me about her was because he felt guilty because he knew they had feelings for each other. He said that he was only joking with her and he would probably would not really have had sex with her. He said he only said those things to her because he was upset with me.

Anyway I am trying to forgive him but I don't trust him anymore. I think everything he tells me is a lie. I don't want to leave him after 9 years and everything that we've been through. Do you think our relationship will last if I don't trust him? I am miserable and can't stop thinking about what he did. How can I let go of the pain and the anger I am feeling towards him?

Our Suggestion:
It is really just amazing what a person who lies will come up with to cover himself (or herself). You heard him blatantly telling another woman he loved her and wanted to have sex with her. And he claimed now that she was "just a friend" that he was hiding from you - and that he was upset at you and his solution was to go proposition another woman? How can that possibly be getting back at you - you wouldn't have ever known he said it!!

He's already admitted he lies to you - I guess he figured telling that part could cover his bigger lies. But people who date you for 9 years and are actively hiding female friends have serious problems. After 9 years you shouldn't be afraid of telling each other ANYTHING!! And a friendship is probably the MOST important thing to share! The only reason he would hide this woman is because like you said she was someone he was trying to keep going on the side. That he would then lie to cover it up doesn't show any indication that he wants to work on the relationship with you. The fact that he ran to her when he was upset also shows he's not bothering to work on the relationship - he's actively allowing it to fall apart while he puts his time and energy into another relationship.

The connection and honesty and trust between YOU TWO should always be the most important thing. If he feels it's OK to lie to keep "his little world" safe from you, now you're the mommy and he's the naughty boy out doing bad things and hiding them from you. That's a recipe for disaster. And the fact that when things are wrong between you two he avoids fixing them means things will only get worse.

I would tell him you have to go into couples therapy and get this resolved. He can't keep lying to you and have this work. He can't keep running off when he's upset and cuddling up to someone else. YOU deserve his love and affection - not just the bits he deigns to give you when "the other woman" isn't around! YOU deserve to be talked to when he's upset, to resolve it. For him to run off elsewhere shows VERY clearly that he isn't dealing with your relationship in a mature way.

Tell him you KNOW this woman was cheating with him - and that if he had her, who knows who else he had that he was also hiding from you. The fact that he was CAPABLE of hiding the woman from you - and being so obviously close to her - is seriously wrong regardless of WHAT they were doing together. That his running to HER when he's upset instead of handling it with YOU is as bad a betrayal as anything else. Tell him he needs to come clean if the relationship is going to survive.

Maybe being in therapy will show him this is serious and he'll actually talk about why he's lying, avoiding fixing issues, putting his affection elsewhere. He could explain what it is he felt he needed from her that he didn't bother to ask you for, why he felt it was OK to lie and hide things from you. I bet if he has someone else asking him those questions like "Why did you keep this other woman a secret" and "What were you getting out of this other relationship that you couldn't get with your girlfriend" and "why would you go to HER when you were supposed to be handling a relationship issue with your REAL girlfriend" it might become crystal clear to him exactly how much he's been failing in holding up anywhere NEAR his half of this relationship.

In any case, either he tells you the truth and you go forward, or he keeps lying because it's "easy" - in which case you have to realize that while you think of the past 9 years as shared time you built up together, really it was 9 years of him lying to you and hiding things and you being deceived. And in that case it's FAR better to cut your losses now and find someone who deserves you, and let him go off in his deceptive ways. He's going to realize just how lonely the world can be if nobody trusts you, because the longer he builds his world on lies, the fewer people who will tolerate being around him. In the meantime, you'll find how wonderful the world can be with someone you truly trust and who truly spends *all* his time and attention on you.

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