I like her, she's engaged to someone else

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Do you have some advice for this person?

Visitor's Question:
I am 18 years old and about three months ago I met this 20 year old woman and she is dating a 32 year old man. We have become friends and have had some pretty intimate conversations, including about a month ago when she told me she was nowhere ready for marriage.

Two days ago I learned her and this guy are engaged. Since we met she is constantly telling me all is my fault since I am a man and I tell her all is her fault, because she is female and blonde we are both constantly laughing while this is going on.

Part of it is I really think there is something between us and I know she is not ready for marriage and is probably engaged for all the wrong reasons. What can I do to win her heart?

Our Suggestion:
People often say they're not ready for marriage because the thought scares them - heck, the pre-wedding jitters that people have are famous! That really doesn't mean that they don't want to get married. It's just an expression of their very normal fears and concerns about taking that step.

People get engaged for millions of different reasons - because they're pregnant, because they want to get away from parents they dislike, because they want to prove they're "an adult", because they want their partner to help take care of them, because it's scary to be on your own and marriage guarantees you won't be alone. Probably EVERY marriage that takes place has its share of "not-the-best" reasons in the mix. But just about every marriage also has its share of "great" reasons too - because the people honestly care for each other and want to be together. I imagine in her case it's a quite normal blend of good and not-so-good reasons. Compared to the tons of women in the world who are forced to marry guys they don't know because their parents told them to, she probably has quite the advantage in her choice. And after all it WAS her choice, she had complete control over marrying this guy or not marrying him. She chose to marry him.

I guess what I'm saying is that I know you like her, and have fun flirting with her. But she was *dating* this other guys and has accepted his offer to marry him. If you start diving in there and try to break her up because "you know what is best for her", you are going to be in for a WORLD of pain and trouble. Nobody likes feeling that they need a "daddy to tell them what to do"!! Do you really think she'll be happy if you come along and say "I don't care if you're an adult, I know what is best for you and you don't. So even though you told this guy you want to marry him, *I* know this is a bad idea because I want to be with you, so follow my orders and leave him and be with me." Not only have you disrespected her intelligence and her willing choice, but now you are showing you don't hold promises or relationships in high regard, because you think it's perfectly OK to break up a relationship and promise because you feel it's what you want. What happens if in a year or two you decide you want someone else and therefore it's OK to break up your current relationship? Either you're someone who believes in trust and honor, or you're not. And if you prove to her now that you're not, then her ability to trust you in the future will be low.

The best thing you can do is be there for her as a friend. Listen to her. Don't try to antagonize her relationship with this guy. She is GOING to have doubts and worries. Don't gleefully try to stir them all up! Your primary concern as a friend is to help her be happy. If that's with this other guy, you have to accept that. If it's not with the other guy, that's fine too! But to start forcing her to do things because it will make YOU happy is very selfish and will cause her to dislike you in the long run. Again, nobody likes being told what to do, and nobody likes to be manipulated to suit someone else's desires.

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