I want my guy back

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Visitor's Question:
my b/f recently broke up w/ me and now hes got another woman and me and him are still good friends and all but i really miss him and i need some tips to get him back. can you help?

he broke up with me because he said i wasnt showing enough affection but it was really the other way around. i need him back in my life, can you help? thanx

ps, i am still so in love with him, helppp!

Our Suggestion:
Well first, you say it was the other way around, but one of the most important things in a relationship is to really listen to what your partner is saying and accept that they feel that way. You may FEEL that he wasn't showing you enough affection. But that doesn't mean HE doesn't feel that YOU weren't showing him enough! "Affection" is also a really vague term. Does he mean you weren't holding his hand enough? Weren't being snuggly enough in public? Weren't being passionate enough in private? We are all very complex people. We have all sorts of built-in ideas about "how much you should touch in public" and "how long kisses should be" and everything else. So what he was wanting more of could be QUITE different than what you thought he wanted more of.

It's always very, very hard to get two people exactly matched in that area. There are almost always differences where one person wants to hold hands more, one person wants to kiss less in public, one person likes long sloppy kisses, one person likes short, dry kisses. It's the way the world works. We're all different. So you talk about what you want and find compromises. Sometimes it just doesn't fit - no matter how you try to compromise you're both just not happy. And at that point it's important to realize it, tell each other you tried your best and find someone else who really does match your style. It's not that either of you are wrong - it's just that you don't fit well together.

So if you feel he wasn't affectionate enough for you, and if he feels you weren't affectionate enough for him, then it sounds like your match-up just wasn't very good - especially if it was so serious that you broke up instead of working out some sorts of compromises. Also if he's already jumped into another relationship it sort of sounds like he wasn't very serious in the first place, if he didn't take any down time to get through the rebound stage.

I would stay friends with him and keep up the communication and talking. That is THE most important thing in any relationship. I'd talk about why he never talked about these issues in a way that you could address - that the only time he got around to telling you is when he decided to break up. That's not the way a relationship goes if it's healthy - if you guys are good at talking and communicating, you would have brought up the issue LONG before you got to the breaking point and would have been trying out compromises. So it sounds like you guys didn't have a good level of communication and talking working. So work on that now.

The more you talk and share, the closer you'll get. And if things don't work out with him and his new gf, there you are and this time you can get things right. However do NOT try to break them up!! That is one of the worst things you can possibly do. If he feels it was "your fault" he broke up with her, he will always blame you for that, and any time you fight in the future he'll say "Well I COULD have been with that other girl I liked but NO I was forced to break up with her." You definitely don't want that interfering with your relationship!

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