Ok well... story goes as such. I'll try to keep it as short as possible, there's just no easy way to shorten it.
When I was in high school... I liked this girl. It was innocent enough. We went out all the time, dinner and movies. Nearly every weekend. Well skipping irrelevant things, I told her one night how I felt (days before graduation) and... well... she shot me down. I later found out that she was into someone else, and started a relationship with him when she went off to college. I was destroyed by it. I shut her out and vowed that I would be damned if I ever spoke to her again. Though she tried, I tried harder to not let her. She was the sweet girl from the rich part of town, and me heh... I’m your basic adventure bad boy punk rocker from the other side of the tracks... but with a good heart. Least I think so.
I shut her out for many years... one day we started talking again. Mostly hi and bye, which was fine with me, I didn't want to be in the same predicament twice.
Skipping five years later, I hadn't spoken to her much, I had my own things going on. I had other girls, a new college to go to, new friends, hell I even had a girlfriend for a while... but one day... I find myself talking to her. I'll call her G for simplicity. Well I don't know how it started, but I’m sure it started with a "hello." From that... it's led to so much more.
She opened up to me... though I never asked. She told me of everything that had happened in the past couple of years... including other guys. Things I never wanted to hear from her, I did... and at that split moment... I was hurt again. I didn't feel anything for her, but maybe deep down inside she hit a nerve that hadn't seen the light of day for many years. All I could do was swallow my sorrow and dismiss it.
Well a few days after we start talking again... she says to me that she's going to come up to see me. At first I was like yeah sure ok whatever you say, but she was adamant about it. Also... she started sending me text messages. This was a new one on me. So I started sending them back. Then it led to phone calls, few and far between, but I started calling back as well... something strange about all of this... her messages... her words... they weren't words you say to a friend. Things like "I miss you" "Why can't you be here" and things of that sort. Some messages were from when she was drunk, so I never took it into consideration, but many were from when she wasn't... so this confused me. I was starting to feel old feelings return... and though I tried to bury them... they kept coming back up.
Well, I had planned a trip back home to visit friends and family, I knew she was going to be there, so I tried to keep it concealed from her, but I couldn't. So when I told her, immediately she started making plans to hang out. It was the longest drive in my life. I didn't know what I would say to the girl that broke my heart five years ago that only healed because I ran far enough away. So we meet... and she's even more beautiful than I had remembered. We hug and share a few words and smiles. We drink, and talk, drink more, and talk more... and eventually... she reaches for my hand. I was utterly confused. She had never held my hand once. This was a first for me... I felt my heart explode. After some minutes of hand holding... she leans in... and she kisses me deeply. All I can do is kiss her back, but in the back of my mind... I’m freaking out. How could this happen? The signs were all there, but I never once trusted her words... can you blame me for not trusting her words? But this is not the end of it...
The kissing... led to sex. I finally had the girl I had wanted since I was a kid... but instead of being happy... I was more confused, and I was afraid of tomorrow.
After that... the texts and the phone calls became less and less... At first I was feeling lonely, I felt like I had no one to turn to, that my apartment was getting smaller and smaller by the second. Though she would send texts, they weren't as fiery or as frequent. I began to feel as though I had made a mistake...
Eventually... the texts start coming back, and the calls too. We would still always talk on messenger... but I tried as hard as I could to not fall for her. Not again. I didn't want to...
So skipping to recently, she finally comes to see me. I kept saying to myself, I wont let myself fall for her, I'll just have fun. Which is what we did. A lot of fun.
We shared a lot of intimacy, sex, kissing, hugs, words... but also a lot of innocent fun. Went to a concert, to the movies like old times. We had other plans in mind, but she was only going to be here for two days...
Well, a little about myself. I love to tease her. I love to poke fun at her, and she does the same. We're always at each other's throats, but in a playful way. She calls me gay and I call her a cunt. This is how I am. This is how we are with each other.
Well... I decided I wasn't going to take anymore xx, I wasn't going to sit by and let things just ride. So during sex, I ask her, I say... "So do you like me yet?" She says that she does, and I say to her, then just cut the xx... and by my girl. Not even three seconds passes when she agrees. Mind you we had been drinking again so I felt ten foot tall and bullet proof.
The way I see it, and this is about everything, not just how I feel about her... but I live by the code "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." Everything I do is like clockwork. I don't plan things, but I act on impulse and I have some of my best adventures this way. I like to live semi-dangerously, so I figured the worst she can say is no, and I was prepared for that... but when she said yes... I was unprepared.
Sometime later (she was still visiting) she begins to have second thoughts. So we talk a bit. She says that she'll be starting classes again soon, and in another city, so that she might not have the time for a relationship... but... why agree to it then? Even though we had both been drinking, we spoke of this sober. So I tell her, then lets take it one day at a time. Whether she heard me say that or not... I don't know. Though she said she would like to start something with me... she took back her "yes" and instead planted a "let me think."
Well... its been about a week since she left, and well... I’m more confused than ever now... Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and not said anything... but in my mind... it was now or never. There may not have been a second chance... so I had to take it. My last stand against her if you will.
For the first few days after she left, we spoke on the phone and sent texts. Though she is moving into a new place and doesn't really have a lot of time right now, I can understand that. So I don't expect her to call or text or anything... but I wish she would... its usually late when she does... and things still seem the same. I’m just afraid that she's just trying to be nice or something... maybe obligated to text/call me. Maybe I’m thinking too much into that, but circumstance and experience yields that I think twice about everything when it comes to her.
I think the biggest worry I have is that everything... the kissing, the hugs, the hand holding, the words, most importantly the sex... was all just fake. Though fun and warm... fake. She doesn't seem the type that would just lead me on THAT far for fun... but hell I don't know.
Another worry I have is that if everything she said and did with me was real... that she wont commit to me. I don't want to sound egotistical... but I know that I am a catch. I know for a fact that I am a good guy. She knows it, I know it, everyone knows it. Though I can be a xxxxx at times, she knows when it comes to her, that everything I say should be taken with a grain of sand. She's the only person I can be nice to. Though I understand that she may be afraid to start something... maybe she doesn't trust guys again or something, or maybe yes she will be very busy, but whatever the case is... I just can't comprehend how someone can say something one moment, continue it on till the next day, and finally have second thoughts the last day.
I don't sleep with friends, she knows this (I think). Nor do I take being toyed with lightly, she also knows this. She knows that I cut my last girlfriend out for good because she toyed with me.
Anyways... so within the past couple days, she's been out of town so I don't expect her to be calling or texting much, I know she's busy, hell I am too. I’m just really confused by this whole thing. Is it possible that she truly does have feelings for me? Do you think its possible that she would have sex with me just because? Though she said she likes me... is it bad of me to not believe her completely? ...and most of all... is it wrong to feel the way I do?
Though I want to call her, I don't. I’m afraid of what she'll say. She also says that I’m crazy for liking her... though I never said I did haha, I wanted her to say she liked me, but yes... I do like her. I always have. She's the only one that makes me genuinely smile... laugh... and she's the only person that can truly hurt me. I don't want to move fast, I don't mind letting her think... its just so complicated. It would be easier if there was no intimacy involved.
A good friend of mine told me that she was just bored and wants someone warm next to her, to pleasure her... though I don't want to believe she would do that to me... it does cross my mind. I asked her the other day if she wanted to hang out again, and she never said yes or no. So I dropped it, chances are I wont see her then after all... though I want to.
Maybe someone can analyze this story for me... and tell me what I should expect or even do, I'd appreciate it. I don't want to have to cut her out of my life again... because this time... it'd be forever. I don't think I could live with myself if I lost the only girl that... well... makes me happy.
Last edited by PDM; 08/08/08 01:02 PM. Reason: language
